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Just a little more….Life!

She found herself running endlessly towards the light
at the end of the tunnel. It was as if she would breathe only if she reached
that light. She looked around just to find pitch darkness; she felt tired at
times but could not stop and kept running. She would look around again and
again but it was too dark to see anything. She did not understand what made her
run; she did not once look behind. The road looked endless, one look at her
made her feel she was feather light. She wore a white satin gown, free flowing,
weightless.  She looked around again and could see her face on the
wall of the tunnel, her face looked radiant, it had the glow she had never seen
and she felt happy like never before and beautiful than ever. Where the light
wrinkles she had seen a couple of days are gone? She thought to herself as she
kept running. She turned her face to the other side of the tunnel and could see
a girl in a mother’s arms; the mother delighted looking at the bundle of joy.

There were people whom she recognised and some she didn’t. She placed her
fingers on her brow and tried to recollect a man standing next to the mother
but just couldn’t. She looked again and saw a young girl in school listening
attentively to her teacher; the image vanished in a jiffy. She could then see
her young self with her best friend laughing and enjoying. When was the last time
she laughed that loud, she wondered? By now the images on the walls of the
tunnel had completely captivated her and she had forgotten of the tunnel, the
run and the distance. She could see her beloved on his knees holding a ring
proposing her, she hadn’t been so happy ever. These flashes would appear and
disappear rapidly and being replaced by the next one. She wanted to think or
say something but was not able to. She saw her husband and daughter sitting on
a dining table praying. She wanted to run towards her daughter but couldn’t
change course of her path.

She closed her eyes but could see the images, the ones
she saw on the wall. Everything was clear when she heard shouts and opened her
eyes startled. She was confounded and looked down; she saw her feet were above
the ground as she ran towards the light. Completely mystified she tried to stop
running but couldn’t stop her feet. She heard shouts again and a big thump on
her chest as if a train in full velocity had hit her chest, she ran faster
towards the light and another big jolt! She couldn’t contain it in herself any
further. She was perplexed at the thought of her running without her feet on
the ground, the light at the end of the tunnel seemed very far now.

The last
one came as a thunderbolt pushing her on her chest so hard that she fell
backwards as if being sucked by the vacuum towards the other side of the light.
She could see being pulled and the light at the end of the tunnel vanishing in
a distance. It was so quick she had no time to react. The ‘pulse is back,
doctor! She is back!’ ….the words sounded like a distant echo….’it’s a miracle,
doctor, the defibrillator worked!’ She opened her eyes at a hazy frame of a man
in a white coat and a young woman standing next to him. 

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A Lost Pillar!

My apologies to all those people who reached out to me and asked me when the next blog is coming, I am sorry for being away for two months…there are two things that I have learnt from life till now. Circumstances and determination! I see them as sides of the same coin. Every time I determine to do or not to do something, such circumstance come up that I fail to keep the promises I have given myself. On the other side circumstances arise at such a short notice and in such a way that they break every bit of determination I have, I again gather myself and be more determined! And that’s the reason Shweta says Life’s like that! So now pick up your ioses and androids and enjoy the read J
‘Look at that, you have one more remark this week from your school and again for your handwriting! How am I supposed to deal with this, you know I hate to face your school teacher as I hardly understand her fluent English.’ Mom was really upset this time, I did tell myself that I will try to avoid remarks in my dairy and help mom avoid embarrassment L Tears rolled off my eyes as I stood at the corner of the sofa looking down on the floor fidgeting with my hands.
Grandpa got up from his chair, I looked at him if he would come and hold me, but he picked the paper that flew tucked it neatly on the board he was holding, went back to the chair and started writing his dairy. My Grandpa a tall frail man would always be seen in white shirt and pants, the shirt would always have ink stains, shiny grey self-cut hair (he never went to a barber in his life), green veins could be seen all over his hands as he would pick up his ink pen and write his dairy.

After crying quietly for 10 minutes, grandpa noticed me and came to me. I revealed every bit of what had happened. And he pampered my cheek and turned ‘everybody come to the living room.’ His authoritative tone echoed all over the house and all the 17 people of the family gathered. He looked at all of them ‘I’ll have an early breakfast; I will go to her school tomorrow.’
I was dressed in neatly ironed school dress and grandpa in his white shirt and pants, he held my hand and we reached school. My heart beat so fast that I was almost trembling. ‘Let’s go to principal’s office.’ He said as he pulled my hand. ‘No grandpa, I promise to improve myself, please avoid this.’
He knocked on the big wooden door of the school principal’s office. ‘Oh, Mr. Dave, please come in!’ exclaimed the principal, Ms Bharucha, a beautiful parsi lady in her early thirties. ‘How can I help you?’ she said as she pulled the chair for my grandpa to sit. ‘I thought it was long we had met and thought of paying a visit. How are you?’ ‘Fine, sir. How about you?’ ‘I am fine too, thank you. I’ll be to the point, what makes a man’s’ character?’ he asked curtly. ‘His conduct, principles and discipline.’ She replied. grandpa removed some pictures from his folder and put them in front of her. I couldn’t recognize most of them. ‘Do you think these men you see in the pictures are examples of good characters?’ He questioned. ‘Beethoven – the selfless musical genius, Albert Einstein, renowned scientist and a great genius ever to walk the earth and Bill Gates – Founder of Microsoft? Of course they are the zenith of geniuses born and exemplary characters.’ 

Now Ms Bharucha looked puzzled. ‘And just one last question, what did they have in common?’ asked grandpa again. ‘I am not getting your point, sir.’ ‘they all had bad handwriting! he exclaimed as he looked around and saw a picture of Mahatma Gandhi. He pulled a letter out of his folder and placed it in front of her. ‘This is a self-written letter of Gandhiji, look at his hand writing. Handwriting does not define a human’s character or destiny. My granddaughter may not write elegant but she will write beautiful. Today I see her skeptical picking up a pen being scared of her handwriting. I would not want that being developed in her. Handwriting cannot be considered as a bad remark! This is all I have to say.’ He rose from his chair, placed his hand on her head, held my hand and walked away.

On my way back, he told me something that I treasure my entire life, ‘be quick, be done and be gone.’ He said and smiled at me. This episode is very clear in my mind even today, I learnt a lot from his ways. He always prepared before making a point, he always talked positively and of course I will never forget be quick, be done and be gone! 
I was very close to him and I remember the smile he would give when I would see his dry feet and apply some moisturizer or he would say ‘I feel so light, will sleep every well tonight.’ When I would give him acupressure points on his back. He inculcated the habit of reading and writing in me. He encouraged me a lot in every step I took, he would see me work long hours and often say ‘you spend 10 hours of your day working and making money for a company that’s not yours. Start something on your own and spend the same time, I am sure it will be more satisfying and fruitful. These words will always remain with me and motivate me to be an entrepreneur one day.


I lost my grandpa a month back, he was 97. He passed away in his sleep. Even today when I close my eyes I see him sitting on his chair writing his dairy….. I feel him with me on every step of my life. I love and miss him a lot.

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A trip to the dark and empty skies!

The phone rang endlessly the 20th time but he didn’t pick up. With every ring tear ran across Ani’s cheek though she dreadfully tried not to cry. She wiped her cheeks and tried again, for a nanosecond she thought he picked but then she heard “the number you are trying is currently switched off.” She burst out a huge cry as she couldn’t contain the pain within anymore. She had tried more than 100 times to call Rohan but either he wouldn’t pick or switch his phone off. It was 3rd May, Rohan’s birthday and she had in the last three years been the first one to wish him. 
Dejectedly Ani left home to go to office. It had been 2 weeks she had not been to office, most of the time she kept herself locked indoors alone or lay in bed.  She didn’t want to wake up. she was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. she woke up each day into a nightmare.
She feared that the person who the office colleagues looked up to as a strong self-made manager was now nothing much a broken image of 1000 pieces. All through the commute she was constantly in tears. Her phone rang twice, her mother would call every hour to be a moral support and secondly there was a constant fear that she had that Ani would try to end her life again like the way she tried to do when she was in Mumbai. That’s the heart of a mother tender, soft and once she knows her children are worried about something that becomes her worry and she is not at peace even for a moment. Ani who would talk to her mom 5 times a day had started avoiding her call and would speak to her at those moments when her tears would dry up for some moments. She would feel miserable that she was giving pain to her mom whom she loved a lot. She constantly thought what right did she have to put her parents through pain. A relationship that held her hand from birth  for a relationship that she had chosen and that person instead chose to give her pain. 
Ani gazed outside the window looking at the service station that passed by where she always waited for Rohan. The bus stopped at the signal and she notice a couple cuddling in the auto rickshaw and

a smile broke on her face thinking how Rohan hated public display of affection what he mockingly called as PDA. Memories of her past flashed in front of her eyes when the bus passed through places where Rohan had dropped her only to take the auto from the other side to go back home.  The smile soon receded when she realized the reality and the sore past few months.

Ani reached office and was greeted by sweet Sandra at the front desk, ‘hey Ananya, what’s up lady, where have you been? We missed your charm girl.” She delightedly said and attended the phone that rang immediately.  Ani avoiding any direct contact hurried to her desk when the office boy Sumil ran towards Ananya, ‘Madam, I have made tea myself today with ginger, the way you like it, would you have a cup?’ Ani couldn’t contain her emotions and started weeping silently. That’s what depression does to you, it doesn’t allow you to embrace the love you have around you but tries to find happiness only in one thing that one longs for at that time.
She sat at her seat trying to wipe her face with a tissue when Rashmi came at her desk “Ananya, are you ok? You look pale, where were you all these days?” and she kept her hand on Ananya’s shoulder, that was the trigger when Ananya looked at her eye in eye and said, ‘I don’t want my picture taken because I was going to cry. I don’t know why I am going to cry, but I know that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I’d cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full. I don’t want to live anymore Rashmi.” 
Rashmi had been Ananya’s close friend and Ananya had stood by her all through the tough divorce a couple of years ago. Rashmi looked at Ananya, it was clear she hadn’t eaten or slept well for days. Her big eyes were red and swollen and her nose and cheeks bruised. Rashmi gave Ani a tight hug and said, this is not you Ananya, certainly not you.
Rashmi was a divorcee and a mother of twin daughters. A rare combination of being independent as life gets tough for a woman who is divorced and sensitive as daughters are the best gift to any parent and she was gifted with two. Rashmi came from a small town in Gujarat, was married at the age of 20 had two daughters at the age of 24 and was divorced by 26. She had thought her life had finished when Ananya met her through a common friend and got her a job in her company. Life wasn’t an end but start for Rashmi at 26.
Rashmi held Ananya’s hand and moved out of the office. They went to the Windsor, a hotel opposite their office. She guided her to the coffee shop of the four star hotel. They sat on the sofa as she kept looking at Ananya who’s tears had not stopped. “What would you like to have mam?” asked the waiter in a sophisticated tone. “One black coffee and a box full of tissues please.” retorted Rashmi in a confident voice.  He got the tissue box which Rashmi held in front of Ananya and started speaking, “if you think I’m going to give you gyan on how to be happy you are wrong.
Firstly take as many tissues as you want and cry as much as you like here. Just shed those tears, feel bad rather miserable and cry. I will not say it’s a phase and it will pass. It has happened and come over you and it will take its own time or even longer to fade.” Ananya kept listening and took the tissues as she wiped her tears. Rashmi continued “Ananya it’s not going to be easy you know that, depression can kill people, it’s like that monster who wants to challenge you to win against them, it is on you to let the monster win or defeat it. But remember if you let the monster win you along with your family and close friends will lose. When you’re lost in a jungle, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve just wandered off the path, that you’ll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it’s time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises anymore. You know Ananya, I have learnt one thing of what happened in my life that do not give so much importance to anyone that you lose your own identity. Be emotional to the extent required, don’t make anyone feel that you will be affected if they are not around. Do not keep your feelings like a garden where anyone can walkover keep it like the sky where people wish to be but cannot reach.” Ananya’s tears had stopped as she attentively listened to Rashmi. Rashmi kept her hand on Ananya’s face and said, ‘cry as much as you want, feel normal about yourself, nothing has gone so wrong that cannot be undone. You are the person I look up to in life, don’t give up Ananya. My daughter always wants to be like you, that’s what you are a pride of your parents, idol to my daughters and  my strength. Once we leave this place you will not shed a tear. Get that?” Rashmi pampered Ananya as they rose and hugged her. Ananya had stopped crying by then, Rashmi’s words and care had given her the strength to look forward in life. Ananya had gained more respect for Rashmi for the reason that she had not asked her even a word on the reason of why she was in this state and her emotions were so pure that she just wanted Ananya out of the situation she was in. Very rare are people who genuinely want to know how are you rather than the gossip surrounding it. Ananya did give a thought that if Rohan really cared would never had avoided her calls like that when he knew she was suffering from depression and had seen doctor’s prescriptions as well.

That night Ananya went home and called her best friend Nisha, “Hello Nisha!” Ananya said in a soft voice. ‘Ani? What’s wrong?” that was the magic between them, words were not needed to define each other’s state. “Nothing Nish, may I speak with you” Ananya said lacking confidence. “Why are you talking like this Ani, please tell me what’s the matter? Is everything ok?” Nisha said impatiently. “Nish, I’m scared that if I tell you something what will you think of me as a person and I will lose you as a friend forever.” Ananya said skeptically. “Listen Ani, if you tell me something and I get judgmental about you, then what kind of a friend I am? Nothing on this earth that you tell me can ever end our friendship ok. Now please tell me what’s bothering you.” Ananya spoke her heart out to Nisha, she told her that she was in a relationship with Rohan that wouldn’t be acceptable by the Indian society ever and it had been 3 years but she was not comfortable speaking about it to her. And finally why Rohan had stopped talking to her. After her talk for half an hour nonstop, she kept quiet and waited for Nishas response. Nisha was her friend since childhood and nothing was hidden from her. Ananya was expecting Nish to get angry and bang the phone. “Ani, you are such a sweetheart and I am the luckiest to be your friend. I don’t see any wrong in what you did. If I were in your place, I too would have fallen for someone. Firstly, get rid of the guilt and secondly, be strong. You can’t break over someone not speaking to you. I am sure he would have been one hell of a guy to swipe you off your feet, but at the same time unlucky enough to have lost you. So chill babes. I’ll come to your city soon and we will have fun.” Ananya after days had a smile on her face, ‘Nish, love you babes.” They spoke on various topics of the good old times, Nish’s boyfriends, mothers, travelling, dreams and lots more till wee hours of the morning. A sign that Ananya was turning towards normalcy, a sign that the strong woman was

about to return. 
Sincere apologies to have stayed away from the blog for so long, I traveled to the showbiz cities of Nice and Monaco and the then to the most romantic city of the world Venice. It was lovely to sit by the sit with coffee and a novel.
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Beetein Lamhe, Nostalgia!

The Window shut with a thud, Ananya seated on the arm chair opened her eyes startled by the noise. She realized she had fallen asleep with the book in her hand, Jagjit Singh’s ‘tere khushboo main base khat main jalata kaise’ still softly playing in the background. She got up to open the window when Rohan’s picture fell from the book. She picked it up, opened the window and got back to the chair. She adjusted the blue satin gown as she placed her feet on the table and drew the shawl closer around her. Rohan’s picture was the one he has sent before leaving for Iran on a business trip last year. She had a closer look at the picture and a smile broke on her face seeing his baby like eyes behind the glasses. He preferred to wear a white tee with checked shirt and denim. Smile was rare but with Ananya around it never receded. He dressed simple but classy; he was more European than Indian when it came to dressing. It was less than 24 hours before she could see her love face to face, Ananya cuddled in her chair went to sleep thinking of the moments spent together.

For Rohan being behind the wheel with Ananya by his side was no less than heaven. He couldn’t contain his happiness; he did not want to leave Ananya’s hand even while driving. He would softly hold her hand and place it on his thigh managing to drive with one hand. “Rohan please will you tell me where are we headed, you have just been smiling and hiding it from me and will you please leave my hand I got to show you all my lipstick shades” Ananya said in a chirpy tone. Rohan kissed her hand “Yes wifey as you please, we are today going to fulfill all the promises I made to you sweetie.” Adjectives for Rohan were rare but if he would be really happy he would address her with wifey, jaana, honey, sweetie…it was just endless. They talked all about Iran as Ananya tested her lip stick shades on Rohan’s hand and got a nod on each being good or bad. Rohan parked his car outside Delhi Haat. Ananya gave a puzzled look. Rohan then said that they were there to shop for all that he has promised her. Ananya remembered the conversation when Rohan had got his first salary and said ‘Ani, this I got to give to dad but I promise I will buy you each piece of Indian accessory you desire and winked and continued saying ‘the more you wear the more pleasurable it will be for me to get you off it.”
Ani’s demands were small but very close to her heart. She quickly hopped off the car and they entered the market hand in hand. He would wait outside the shop patiently looking at Ani choosing earrings, payal and bangles. She tried the green bangles and peeped outside the shop at Rohan who was smoking his cig, she held the bangles on her fingers and gestured if he liked them. He smiled and that said it all. She got all of it packed and removed Rohan’s wallet to pay, the shopkeeper gave it weird reaction looking at the gents’ wallet come out of Ani’s big hand bag. She gauged what was happening and in a manly tone asked how much…and then burst out laughing as she settled the bill. That day Rohan drove for 8 hours around Delhi to shop, he also took her to Palam Vihar to show the apartment he was looking forward to buy and promised Ani to get her out of the complexity she was in; the dreams in their eyes were larger than life and as some put it quite unrealistic.
A cold hand on Ananya’s forehead got her back to the real world; in the past three months since Rohan had stopped speaking Ananya’s life too had stopped.  Ananya’s mom had realized where her daughter’s happiness was but that wasn’t of much help. She approved of Rohan but the circumstances never allowed them to be together. She had done all to move on, counseling sessions and medication too had not helped. Ani’s mom sat next to her and kissed her forehead, ‘did you sleep well Ani…” the background nazm played, ‘dafn kar do ham eke saans mile, nabz kuch der se thami si hai…aaj phir aapki kami si hai.’
 
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Relationships and more……..

Revati tried hard to find the key hole but the number of drinks she had that evening were impairing her vision. After some struggle she managed to open the door of her 5000 sq. feet duplex apartment at Malabar hill. The motion sensors detected she was around and lights flashed as she looked around the lavish living room, all things in order and at the right place. The 16 seater pure leather imported sofa and the huge crystal chandelier were as lifeless as the Guido Daniele painting of the woman posed on a bench overlooking Slizza river in Italy. She flung her Louis Vuitton bag on the sofa and balanced her way leaving her stilettos on the way towards the bed room.
Revati was a socialite wife of Raghu, V. N. Raghupati CEO of Assureinvest a venture capitalist firm. A simple but sharp soul, Raghu was complete opposite of his spouse. Punctual and a man of few words he had strong family values. Their marriage happiness of 8 years was inversely proportional to Raghu’s bank balance. This was the very reason Raghu preferred to spend more time at work than return to an empty house.
Raghu at work was a no non-sense person and appreciated intelligence over hard work. His new hire Deepshikha was just the dependable resource Raghu was looking for. She had to be told little and she understood her work well. Assureinvest was Deepshi’s third job in a career of 6 years. She understood the pulse of the job market well and knew when to switch to get paid better. Her sole motive was a higher figure on the salary slip and with her diligence she knew how to get that. Deepshi and Gaurav met at business school and lost their hearts to each other. Gaurav loved Deepshi’s sharpness and Deepshi purely fell for Gaurav’s looks and his Salsa moves. Both tied the knot against parent’s wishes and moved to a 3 bedroom flat at Goregoan. An Emi of 70,000 and a car loan made Deepshi change her job often and Gaurav take up salsa classes after work. Gaurav’s clientele were crème de la crème of Mumbai most of them socialites including Revati. Gaurav and Deepshi’s 6 years of marriage became a transactional relationship of money transfers to bank accounts and sticky notes on the refrigerator the only way of communication between them.  Sometimes the messages were communicated by Seema their maid who kept a set of house key to complete the house hold chores without disturbing Gaurav who would return home past midnight.
Seema was with Deepshi since her marriage, she was trustworthy but in a painful relation with Govind. Govind was Seema’s husband’s friend and moved with her as a support after her husband died leaving two children behind. Govind turned alcoholic and would rob Seema of all the money she earned.  He had just landed an office boy’s job when Deepshi referred him to Raghu in order to reduce Seema burden.
It was the evening of 16th March 2012 when Deepshi was preparing for the quarterly audit with Govind moving busily out of Raghu’s cabin taking signatures on relevant papers. It was around mid-night when Deepshi entered Raghu’s cabin, he was sitting on the wide parapet of the office his back facing an open window, his legs rested on an Osim massager chair with a glass of Glenlivet in his hand. Deepshi reluctant turned to leave when Raghu asked her to sit. She noticed the generally dressed in a suit Raghu today in a shirt crumpled around the waist as if it was pulled hard. His eyes were red, this was the first time she noticed the handsome man that Raghu was. His ruffled hair, slight grey side locks, his strong arms showed under his sleeves rolled till the elbow. Feeling uncomfortable with the silence she rose once again to leave when the wheels of the chair which Raghu rested his feet on moved and he lost his balance. Deepshi ran towards him and pulled his hand to stop him from falling off the window. He fell on her triggering the dearth of physical touch he had faced in the past years. He hugged her tight; Deepshi did not resist and gave in to his dominance.
Seema rushed to the hospital as her son had fallen off stairs and needed to be admitted. Not knowing where to go she reached Deepshi’s apartment to ask for money. She opened the flat with the set of keys she had and rushed in. Her pace slowed as she saw the stilettoes lying on the floor, as she moved further she saw a Burberry evening gown flung on the ground, she understood that wasn’t Deepshi’s.  She could hear giggles and whispers from the bed room. Not knowing what to do, she decided to leave when she glanced on the open bag on the dinning. She could see a bundle of notes, she tip toed and grabbed the money and moved out to save her son.
Flash forward….October 2013, Deepshi changed the music to classical as Raghu started his Audi Q5. He grabbed Deepshi’s hand and kissed it before buckling his seat belt. They reached the apartment; she waited in the car as Raghu went to Revati’s 16th floor apartment to deliver the signed divorce papers. He was about to ring the bell when he heard Gaurav and Revati arguing over something. He chose to leave the papers at the door. On the way back they dropped in at Seema’s to deliver the Diwali bonus. Now the 5000 sq. feet house name plate reads Deepshi and Raghu’s. May be now it’s not just a house, its home!
Will leave you with one of my favorite songs…
रिश्ते तोह नहीं रिश्तों की पर्छैयाँ मिले 
यह कैसी भीड़ है बस यहाँ तन्हाईयाँ मिले।
इक छत के तले अजनबी हो जाते हैं रिश्ते 
बिस्तर पे चादरों से चुप हो जातें है रिश्ते।
ढूंढे से भी इनमें नहीं गर्मियाँ मिले।
यह कैसी भीड़ है बस यहाँ तन्हाईयाँ मिले।
जिसको भी देखिये वो अधूरासा है यहाँ 
जैसे कहीं हो और वो आधा रखा हुआ।
हो जब जहाँ जुड़े वही जुदाइयाँ मिले 
यह कैसी भीड़ है बस यहाँ तन्हाईयाँ मिले।
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Relationships and more……..

Revati tried hard to find the key hole but the number of
drinks she had that evening were impairing her vision. After some struggle she
managed to open the door of her 5000 sq. feet duplex apartment at Malabar hill.
The motion sensors detected she was around and lights flashed as she looked
around the lavish living room, all things in order and at the right place. The 16
seater pure leather imported sofa and the huge crystal chandelier were as
lifeless as the Guido Daniele painting of the woman posed on a bench
overlooking Slizza river in Italy. She flung her Louis Vuitton bag on the
sofa and balanced her way leaving her stilettos on the way towards the bed
room.
Revati was a socialite wife of Raghu, V. N. Raghupati CEO of
Assureinvest a venture capitalist firm. A simple but sharp soul, Raghu was complete
opposite of his spouse. Punctual and a man of few words he had strong family
values. Their marriage happiness of 8 years was inversely proportional to Raghu’s
bank balance. This was the very reason Raghu preferred to spend more time at
work than return to an empty house.
Raghu at work was a no non-sense person and appreciated
intelligence over hard work. His new hire Deepshikha was just the dependable
resource Raghu was looking for. She had to be told little and she understood
her work well. Assureinvest was Deepshi’s third job in a career of 6 years. She
understood the pulse of the job market well and knew when to switch to get paid
better. Her sole motive was a higher figure on the salary slip and with her diligence
she knew how to get that. Deepshi and Gaurav met at business school and lost
their hearts to each other. Gaurav loved Deepshi’s sharpness and Deepshi purely
fell for Gaurav’s looks and his Salsa moves. Both tied the knot against parent’s
wishes and moved to a 3 bedroom flat at Goregoan. An Emi of 70,000 and a car
loan made Deepshi change her job often and Gaurav take up salsa classes after
work. Gaurav’s clientele were crème de la crème of Mumbai most of them
socialites including Revati. Gaurav and Deepshi’s 6 years of marriage became a
transactional relationship of money transfers to bank accounts and sticky notes
on the refrigerator the only way of communication between them.  Sometimes the messages were communicated by
Seema their maid who kept a set of house key to complete the house hold chores
without disturbing Gaurav who would return home past midnight.
Seema was with Deepshi since her marriage, she was
trustworthy but in a painful relation with Govind. Govind was Seema’s husband’s
friend and moved with her as a support after her husband died leaving two
children behind. Govind turned alcoholic and would rob Seema of all the money
she earned.  He had just landed an office
boy’s job when Deepshi referred him to Raghu in order to reduce Seema burden.
It was the evening of 16th March 2012 when Deepshi
was preparing for the quarterly audit with Govind moving busily out of Raghu’s
cabin taking signatures on relevant papers. It was around mid-night when
Deepshi entered Raghu’s cabin, he was sitting on the wide parapet of the office
his back facing an open window, his legs rested on an Osim massager chair with
a glass of Glenlivet in his hand. Deepshi reluctant turned to leave when Raghu
asked her to sit. She noticed the generally dressed in a suit Raghu today in a
shirt crumpled around the waist as if it was pulled hard. His eyes were red,
this was the first time she noticed the handsome man that Raghu was. His ruffled
hair, slight grey side locks, his strong arms showed under his sleeves rolled
till the elbow. Feeling uncomfortable with the silence she rose once again to
leave when the wheels of the chair which Raghu rested his feet on moved and he
lost his balance. Deepshi ran towards him and pulled his hand to stop him
from falling off the window. He fell on her triggering the dearth of physical
touch he had faced in the past years. He hugged her tight; Deepshi did not
resist and gave in to his dominance.
Seema rushed to the hospital as her son had fallen off stairs
and needed to be admitted. Not knowing where to go she reached Deepshi’s apartment
to ask for money. She opened the flat with the set of keys she had and rushed
in. Her pace slowed as she saw the stilettoes lying on the floor, as she moved
further she saw a Burberry evening gown flung on the ground, she understood
that wasn’t Deepshi’s.  She could hear
giggles and whispers from the bed room. Not knowing what to do, she decided to
leave when she glanced on the open bag on the dinning. She could see a
bundle of notes, she tip toed and grabbed the money and moved out to save her
son.
Flash forward….October 2013, Deepshi changed the music to classical
as Raghu started his Audi Q5. He grabbed Deepshi’s hand and kissed it before
buckling his seat belt. They reached the apartment; she waited in the car as
Raghu went to Revati’s 16th floor apartment to deliver the signed
divorce papers. He was about to ring the bell when he heard Gaurav and Revati
arguing over something. He chose to leave the papers at the door. On the way
back they dropped in at Seema’s to deliver the Diwali bonus. Now the 5000 sq.
feet house name plate reads Deepshi and Raghu’s. May be now it’s not just a
house, its home!
Will leave you with one of my favorite songs…
रिश्ते तोह नहीं रिश्तों की पर्छैयाँ मिले 
यह कैसी भीड़ है बस यहाँ तन्हाईयाँ मिले।
इक छत के तले अजनबी हो जाते हैं रिश्ते 
बिस्तर पे चादरों से चुप हो जातें है रिश्ते।
ढूंढे से भी इनमें नहीं गर्मियाँ मिले।
यह कैसी भीड़ है बस यहाँ तन्हाईयाँ मिले।
जिसको भी देखिये वो अधूरासा है यहाँ 
जैसे कहीं हो और वो आधा रखा हुआ।
हो जब जहाँ जुड़े वही जुदाइयाँ मिले 
यह कैसी भीड़ है बस यहाँ तन्हाईयाँ मिले।
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Unchained Emotions!

“Boss, ek Davidoff lights please.” Rohan asked the vendor glancing at the watch thinking he was well in time. Rohan had a habit of reaching almost a couple of hours in advance at the airport to receive Ananya. The entire rainy season was dry but it was pouring heavily that day. All flights were delayed. He stood there in a less crowded corner of the airport while others waited early at the arrival gate eagerly waiting for their loved ones. Rain GOD was showering all its love that evening, Delhi airport resembled no less than Lajpat Nagar market. The taxis and car drivers shouting at each other with blaring horns and high beam headlights flashing as the traffic jam did not clearing for long.

Ananya looked at her watch as she walked out of the arrival gate. The crowd moved to the left petulantly searching for their names on the sign boards held by various hotel staff. Ananya dragged her trolley as she moved to the right of the gate nodding in denial to the taxi drivers surrounding her. The drivers gradually cleared and she could see Rohan waiting there smiling at her smoking the last bit before throwing the butt off. He looked at her in a white knee length dress with minimal jewelry and she observed his toned body wearing a white tee and a checked shirt and denims. Ananya hurriedly dragged the trolley and reached him. She waited at an arms distance and looked at him. He had sought permission over call the previous day to hug her at the airport; after all they were seeing each other after two months. He got close to her felt some discomfort, Ananya looked into his eyes and he hugged her tight. With six inch heels Ananya’s arms reached perfectly to wrap around Rohan’s neck. Rohan hugged her up and close just as Ananya liked it.

 He released her smiled again took the trolley from her hand and started walking. Ananya loved rains and was cheerful to see pour so heavy. She stood in the rain for a minute before Rohan held her hand got her to the car. They were drenched, he opened the door for her she sat and he got behind the steering wheel. He was waiting for this very moment since two months to have a look at her face for long. He kept observing her as she held his hand over the gear. Not a word was spoken till now just pure love; their way of expression was beyond words. ‘Where’s my rose?’ Ananya broke the silece and asked excitedly. ‘You think in this rain I would be able to get you a rose Ani?’ Rohan always got her a red rose when they met. ‘Ok, I understand’ she said dejectedly. He looked at her and opened the sunblock shade to get the rose and give it to her, saying ‘Is it possible not to come without one, I love you Ananya.’ Her happiness had no bounds, she naughtily said, ‘Rohan, you know when I will say that to you right.’ There was a thud on the window; Rohan rolled the window down to talk to the man, ‘Kabse horn baja raha hoon, suna nahi aapne, bohot jaldi hai mujhe…gaddi nakaloji.’ Rohan responded, ‘haan’ rolled the window up looked at Ananya, ‘ mujhe koi jaldi nahi.’ And started the car.

All the way he held her hand, managing to drive with one hand, using the other only while turning. ‘Rohan, I am very hungry!’ exclaimed Ananya. ‘It will at least take us an hour to reach a decent restaurant Ani, I will try to reach faster.’ Delhi is notorious for its traffic and the rains were cherry on the cake. They reached the restaurant quite late; the best about Delhi is everything is open till late in the night. He parked the car near the garden; Ananya was shivering with wet clothes clinging on her. Rohan got the keys off, looked at Ananya in her eyes, got closer to her smelling the fragrance of green apple (DKNY be delicious), slowly held her face in his hands, his thumb resting on her cheeks as he got his face closer and kissed her for long his breath providing all the warmth she required to stop shivering. He stopped opened his eyes and gestured if she was feeling better. Ananya had a broad smile, Aren’t you hungry Rohan? Let’s go.’ ‘I am hungry Ani, lets continue.’ ‘Stop it Rohan, let’s go.’ They ran into the restaurant getting drenched again.

They entered to find the place fine dining with people dressed well and cutlery clinging all around. Ananya thought not dressed for the place turned around to leave, Rohan held her hand and stood there waiting to be seated. The waiter approached them observing the dripping water of their clothes. Waiter came in quickly asking, ‘what should I serve you sir?’Rohan retorted, ‘One Glenlivet on the rocks and Chardonnay for the lady please. Also get us hot food at the earliest.’ They ate dinner and left for the guest house.
Rohan halted the car outside Ananya’s hotel. It had been two months, he had waited for the moment to latch the room and have a satisfaction that the next two days were just his and no one else. That night they gave a new meaning to words care, passion, emotion and desire. That night several times Ananya said, ‘Rohan, I love you!’

Thank you readers for the overwhelming mails and positive response, I received a lot of questions firstly to know me, well as mentioned am on a journey to know myself, the day I do I share it here. Secondly enquiring more on Rohan and Ananya. I would just say stay with me and look through my eyes they are just around you.

I

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Twilight 2012!

It’s the dusk of 2012 and thought of taking a stock of how I fared through it. This definitely was not the toughest year for me however if I got to summarize it in one word it’s just SURVIVED!!
Every eye on the planet was on this year as the earth was to end however GOD too is great at cinematography and gave a dramatic climax by keeping us on the edge the whole year just to say, ‘it isn’t happening this year man!’ May be he is planning a sequel J

For me the year was a year of experiments. I was in a new land through the year and all through the year I just heard my heart telling my mind, ‘take it in your stride, there’s always a first time.’ So much so that I started dreading first times and longed for a routine.
This was also full of people, again most of them I met ‘first time’. I truly believe small minds discuss people but this calls for a discussion.
I met people whose sole existence was to demean, belittle which rose from insecurity or some vested interest. On the other hand I also met people whom I referred to as the nicest I have met in life, people who believed it’s important to be nice, be human. Such people whom you want to be around for life as they have positivity around them. Well another category was straight talkers. I am an on the face person and expect transparency. I agree it has its own negatives, but it’s better than the untrustworthy sweet talkers. I met some who just had one agenda – how can I use a person to my advantage. I made some good friends who knew how to make merry on a sad day, who stood by without being judgmental. All in all a mixed bag which is quite the case with everyone.
My profit and loss for this year would culminate in the balance sheet contributing to life. I lost my dearest granpa. At 97, he was so positive. He taught me to be compassionate and to be giving. This loss is irreplaceable. Another loss was on May 3rd, no words or expressions for this one.

During the year I changed myself at times; I changed my conduct with a disapproval of my heart just to suit situations and circumstances. But this change was inevitable, it shook me but I couldn’t avoid it. In return I gained faith, faith with every heartbeat which said this too shall pass. One major advantage was I met with some of the very experienced professionals and leveraged some best practices to add to my career.

Though the year was tilted more on loss, I am glad for two things, one that I am much wiser than the start of the year. I gained from all the experiences I had this year and promise myself not to err again on the ones I did. Second thing that makes me glad is the year is overJ. This year was as enriching as it was enthralling.  
I look forward to a great 2013, with all enthusiasm, positivity and energy to take on the challenges that life has to offer.
Adios and see you in the New Year!
Will leave you with this nazm by the immortal Jagjit Singhji, it truly portrays survival.
कभी आँसूं कभी खुशी बेचीं 
हम  गरीबों ने बेकसी (loneliness) बेचीं।
 चन सासें खरीदने केलिए 
रोज़ थोड़ी सी ज़िन्दगी बेचीं।
जब  रुलाने लगे मुझे साये 
मैंने उक्ताके (after getting tired) रौशनी बेचीं। 
इक हम थे बिक गए खुद ही 
वर्ना दुनिया ने दोस्ती बेचीं।
कभी आँसूं कभी खुशी बेचीं 
हम  गरीबों ने बेकसी बेचीं।

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Tactical v/s Strategic: My perspective

Off late I have been often hearing and using myself the words tactical and strategic. After giving a deeper thought I felt revisiting the two and providing my flavor to the same.

Before I share my perspective lets understand the widely accepted view on these.
Tactical meaning: of or relating to tactics: as (1): of or relating to small-scale actions serving a larger purpose (2): made or carried out with only a limited or immediate end in view.

Strategic: Strategy [1]) is a general, undetailed plan of action, encompassing a long period of time, to achieve a complicated goal.

Considering dictionary meaning, the common understanding is
1) Tactical is short-term and Strategic is long-term, or…
2) Tactical is small and Strategic is big, or…
3) Tactical is kludgy and Strategic is high-quality
Well now that we understand the widely accepted meaning, I can draw an analogy which I call my perspective. The part of the world that I belong, we are known for our rich culture and customs. There are lot of rituals and ceremonies before a couple enters a social institution of marriage. One of the customs is that the couple exchange rings more popularly known as engagement. This last 6 to 12 months before the couple takes vows to be together for life.
I know your thought is what’s the   analogy? Well ancestors who designed this ‘architecture’ were the best in their job. The analogy is that engagement which is more of a tactical option gives the couple a chance to relate to small-scale actions serving a larger purpose J.  Marriage where the couple is tied with no escape is more of a strategic solution and as the meaning puts undetailed plan of action, encompassing a long period of time, to achieve a complicated goal, the complicated goal here I assume is the ‘and they lived happily ever after J’ Till the time marriage isn’t announced the couple can think if they would like to go strategic, once gone strategic there is no looking back.
Now that most of you may agree with the analogy, I would like to end this with what a friend shared a few days ago. When I was casually discussing the tactical vs. strategic he gave me a very good example of a tactical mistake vs. a strategic blunder. Post the strategic implementation of your plan of marriage if a man gifts his wife a present which she doesn’t like it’s a tactical mistake while if he altogether forgets her birthday it’s a strategic blunder. 
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Warmth of his hand!!

She waited at the cross roads near the car service center looking at the busy moving traffic and the struggling traffic cop trying to manage the giant B.E.S.T buses and the two wheeler speedos. The sun was setting with the smog visible through the headlights on the road. She was physically present and mentally thinking of how her life has turned in the past 6 months.

Suddenly the cacophony on the road caught her attention and she saw a two wheeler lose its balance as a car slightly brushed it from behind. The man wasn’t too hurt. He coolly parked his scooty at the side of the road walked towards the car driver and knocked on his mirror. The driver preparing for an apology rolled his window down. The scooty rider removed his slipper and gave it hard on the drivers face, wore it again and walked away.
Ananya couldn’t help but burst out laughing at the rider’s idiosyncrasy. Well that’s Mumbai, no one has the time to land in a fight but they are such firefighters that they got to react at least. On the other side Ananya realized that it had been long that she had a hearty laugh like this, best would be the moments when she would be with her best friend not caring for the world laughing over things that normal people would not call sane.
The chain of thoughts were just on when an auto rickshaw came and stopped near her. Looking at a known figure in she hopped in and it drove off. There was silence, she placed her hand on her side and looked out as the auto drove at full speed. Suddenly she felt his hand placed on hers and she looked at him in the eye. Her hands were always cold and the warmth that his hands provided was more than she could ask for. He closed his eyes and nodded as if giving some assurance. She slightly smiled and nodded too confirming she understood that he would be around and all will be ok.

The road was full of speeding vehicles and the rickshaw drivers no less than Schumi took dangerous turns to avoid potholes. The vehicle had just crossed the first flyover and gave up. The driver dragged it to the side. Both Ananya and Rohan were in no hurry to reach anywhere. There are people with whom you feel for and want for so long that it is beyond time, money and even life. This was one of those relations. Not defined or named by the society. Rohan got off the and asked the driver what the problem was. Ananya tried to get down too, Rohan signaled her to be in shade. Her mobile buzzed and she was lost in her big bag to trace it. It was an airline message, mentioning the flight was delayed by 30 minutes. She smiled and looked to find Rohan nowhere in sight.

She would get a little restless if he would be out of sight. He appeared from the other side and placed the chilled bottle of water on her hand. She looked at him and smiled, he said in a soft tone, “This is to remind you, that you need to drink more water.” Ananya once felt she understood him and at times also felt she understood nothing. His way of caring was different, it wasn’t obvious and shown, and it was felt……

The driver pulled the handle twice but couldn’t start it, Rohan moved towards it and pulled it once and it started. He hopped in next to her and placed his hand on the side not to find hers. He looked at her and she realized his need. She placed her hand on his and the rickshaw sped off.

There were no words spoken, only the warmth felt. It had become some sought of ritual of him dropping and picking her from the airport. Their work involved a lot of travel. The rickshaw entered terminal 1B and stopped at the departure gate. They both alighted and waited looking at each other. ‘Oh, I forgot to mention the flight is delayed Rohan.’ He looked at her with a broad smile, ‘Good, let’s go then.’ ‘Where, it’s not much, just 30 minutes.’ Ananya said in a puzzled tone. ‘Every minute can be cherished, Ani.” He held her hand and pulled her away from the gate, hopped on the rickshaw again and sped off. They halted outside the Centaur hotel, both got down, he not leaving her hand moved to the tea stall. ‘Do chai, patti tez, cheeni kum’ (two teas, strong with less sugar) he ordered. That was their standard drink, their poison if you can put it, especially if it is from a road side tea stall. Every sip was like a cherished moment together. He would finish his tea so quick and light his Davidoff till the time Ananya sipped her tea.

They reached the departure gate in time. Both looked in each other’s eyes and held hands. A hug was very occasional in public, it was left for the moments which Rohan defined as his dream, where each day he would get up seeing her face and end the day by latching the door with only her to be with. She held his hand tight, to feel the warmth and treasure it till they met again……

Her hands are still always cold, and she still feels the warmth of his hand when she closes her eyes.