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Unchained Emotions!

“Boss, ek Davidoff lights please.” Rohan asked the vendor glancing at the watch thinking he was well in time. Rohan had a habit of reaching almost a couple of hours in advance at the airport to receive Ananya. The entire rainy season was dry but it was pouring heavily that day. All flights were delayed. He stood there in a less crowded corner of the airport while others waited early at the arrival gate eagerly waiting for their loved ones. Rain GOD was showering all its love that evening, Delhi airport resembled no less than Lajpat Nagar market. The taxis and car drivers shouting at each other with blaring horns and high beam headlights flashing as the traffic jam did not clearing for long.

Ananya looked at her watch as she walked out of the arrival gate. The crowd moved to the left petulantly searching for their names on the sign boards held by various hotel staff. Ananya dragged her trolley as she moved to the right of the gate nodding in denial to the taxi drivers surrounding her. The drivers gradually cleared and she could see Rohan waiting there smiling at her smoking the last bit before throwing the butt off. He looked at her in a white knee length dress with minimal jewelry and she observed his toned body wearing a white tee and a checked shirt and denims. Ananya hurriedly dragged the trolley and reached him. She waited at an arms distance and looked at him. He had sought permission over call the previous day to hug her at the airport; after all they were seeing each other after two months. He got close to her felt some discomfort, Ananya looked into his eyes and he hugged her tight. With six inch heels Ananya’s arms reached perfectly to wrap around Rohan’s neck. Rohan hugged her up and close just as Ananya liked it.

 He released her smiled again took the trolley from her hand and started walking. Ananya loved rains and was cheerful to see pour so heavy. She stood in the rain for a minute before Rohan held her hand got her to the car. They were drenched, he opened the door for her she sat and he got behind the steering wheel. He was waiting for this very moment since two months to have a look at her face for long. He kept observing her as she held his hand over the gear. Not a word was spoken till now just pure love; their way of expression was beyond words. ‘Where’s my rose?’ Ananya broke the silece and asked excitedly. ‘You think in this rain I would be able to get you a rose Ani?’ Rohan always got her a red rose when they met. ‘Ok, I understand’ she said dejectedly. He looked at her and opened the sunblock shade to get the rose and give it to her, saying ‘Is it possible not to come without one, I love you Ananya.’ Her happiness had no bounds, she naughtily said, ‘Rohan, you know when I will say that to you right.’ There was a thud on the window; Rohan rolled the window down to talk to the man, ‘Kabse horn baja raha hoon, suna nahi aapne, bohot jaldi hai mujhe…gaddi nakaloji.’ Rohan responded, ‘haan’ rolled the window up looked at Ananya, ‘ mujhe koi jaldi nahi.’ And started the car.

All the way he held her hand, managing to drive with one hand, using the other only while turning. ‘Rohan, I am very hungry!’ exclaimed Ananya. ‘It will at least take us an hour to reach a decent restaurant Ani, I will try to reach faster.’ Delhi is notorious for its traffic and the rains were cherry on the cake. They reached the restaurant quite late; the best about Delhi is everything is open till late in the night. He parked the car near the garden; Ananya was shivering with wet clothes clinging on her. Rohan got the keys off, looked at Ananya in her eyes, got closer to her smelling the fragrance of green apple (DKNY be delicious), slowly held her face in his hands, his thumb resting on her cheeks as he got his face closer and kissed her for long his breath providing all the warmth she required to stop shivering. He stopped opened his eyes and gestured if she was feeling better. Ananya had a broad smile, Aren’t you hungry Rohan? Let’s go.’ ‘I am hungry Ani, lets continue.’ ‘Stop it Rohan, let’s go.’ They ran into the restaurant getting drenched again.

They entered to find the place fine dining with people dressed well and cutlery clinging all around. Ananya thought not dressed for the place turned around to leave, Rohan held her hand and stood there waiting to be seated. The waiter approached them observing the dripping water of their clothes. Waiter came in quickly asking, ‘what should I serve you sir?’Rohan retorted, ‘One Glenlivet on the rocks and Chardonnay for the lady please. Also get us hot food at the earliest.’ They ate dinner and left for the guest house.
Rohan halted the car outside Ananya’s hotel. It had been two months, he had waited for the moment to latch the room and have a satisfaction that the next two days were just his and no one else. That night they gave a new meaning to words care, passion, emotion and desire. That night several times Ananya said, ‘Rohan, I love you!’

Thank you readers for the overwhelming mails and positive response, I received a lot of questions firstly to know me, well as mentioned am on a journey to know myself, the day I do I share it here. Secondly enquiring more on Rohan and Ananya. I would just say stay with me and look through my eyes they are just around you.

I

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Twilight 2012!

It’s the dusk of 2012 and thought of taking a stock of how I fared through it. This definitely was not the toughest year for me however if I got to summarize it in one word it’s just SURVIVED!!
Every eye on the planet was on this year as the earth was to end however GOD too is great at cinematography and gave a dramatic climax by keeping us on the edge the whole year just to say, ‘it isn’t happening this year man!’ May be he is planning a sequel J

For me the year was a year of experiments. I was in a new land through the year and all through the year I just heard my heart telling my mind, ‘take it in your stride, there’s always a first time.’ So much so that I started dreading first times and longed for a routine.
This was also full of people, again most of them I met ‘first time’. I truly believe small minds discuss people but this calls for a discussion.
I met people whose sole existence was to demean, belittle which rose from insecurity or some vested interest. On the other hand I also met people whom I referred to as the nicest I have met in life, people who believed it’s important to be nice, be human. Such people whom you want to be around for life as they have positivity around them. Well another category was straight talkers. I am an on the face person and expect transparency. I agree it has its own negatives, but it’s better than the untrustworthy sweet talkers. I met some who just had one agenda – how can I use a person to my advantage. I made some good friends who knew how to make merry on a sad day, who stood by without being judgmental. All in all a mixed bag which is quite the case with everyone.
My profit and loss for this year would culminate in the balance sheet contributing to life. I lost my dearest granpa. At 97, he was so positive. He taught me to be compassionate and to be giving. This loss is irreplaceable. Another loss was on May 3rd, no words or expressions for this one.

During the year I changed myself at times; I changed my conduct with a disapproval of my heart just to suit situations and circumstances. But this change was inevitable, it shook me but I couldn’t avoid it. In return I gained faith, faith with every heartbeat which said this too shall pass. One major advantage was I met with some of the very experienced professionals and leveraged some best practices to add to my career.

Though the year was tilted more on loss, I am glad for two things, one that I am much wiser than the start of the year. I gained from all the experiences I had this year and promise myself not to err again on the ones I did. Second thing that makes me glad is the year is overJ. This year was as enriching as it was enthralling.  
I look forward to a great 2013, with all enthusiasm, positivity and energy to take on the challenges that life has to offer.
Adios and see you in the New Year!
Will leave you with this nazm by the immortal Jagjit Singhji, it truly portrays survival.
कभी आँसूं कभी खुशी बेचीं 
हम  गरीबों ने बेकसी (loneliness) बेचीं।
 चन सासें खरीदने केलिए 
रोज़ थोड़ी सी ज़िन्दगी बेचीं।
जब  रुलाने लगे मुझे साये 
मैंने उक्ताके (after getting tired) रौशनी बेचीं। 
इक हम थे बिक गए खुद ही 
वर्ना दुनिया ने दोस्ती बेचीं।
कभी आँसूं कभी खुशी बेचीं 
हम  गरीबों ने बेकसी बेचीं।

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Warmth of his hand!!

She waited at the cross roads near the car service center looking at the busy moving traffic and the struggling traffic cop trying to manage the giant B.E.S.T buses and the two wheeler speedos. The sun was setting with the smog visible through the headlights on the road. She was physically present and mentally thinking of how her life has turned in the past 6 months.

Suddenly the cacophony on the road caught her attention and she saw a two wheeler lose its balance as a car slightly brushed it from behind. The man wasn’t too hurt. He coolly parked his scooty at the side of the road walked towards the car driver and knocked on his mirror. The driver preparing for an apology rolled his window down. The scooty rider removed his slipper and gave it hard on the drivers face, wore it again and walked away.
Ananya couldn’t help but burst out laughing at the rider’s idiosyncrasy. Well that’s Mumbai, no one has the time to land in a fight but they are such firefighters that they got to react at least. On the other side Ananya realized that it had been long that she had a hearty laugh like this, best would be the moments when she would be with her best friend not caring for the world laughing over things that normal people would not call sane.
The chain of thoughts were just on when an auto rickshaw came and stopped near her. Looking at a known figure in she hopped in and it drove off. There was silence, she placed her hand on her side and looked out as the auto drove at full speed. Suddenly she felt his hand placed on hers and she looked at him in the eye. Her hands were always cold and the warmth that his hands provided was more than she could ask for. He closed his eyes and nodded as if giving some assurance. She slightly smiled and nodded too confirming she understood that he would be around and all will be ok.

The road was full of speeding vehicles and the rickshaw drivers no less than Schumi took dangerous turns to avoid potholes. The vehicle had just crossed the first flyover and gave up. The driver dragged it to the side. Both Ananya and Rohan were in no hurry to reach anywhere. There are people with whom you feel for and want for so long that it is beyond time, money and even life. This was one of those relations. Not defined or named by the society. Rohan got off the and asked the driver what the problem was. Ananya tried to get down too, Rohan signaled her to be in shade. Her mobile buzzed and she was lost in her big bag to trace it. It was an airline message, mentioning the flight was delayed by 30 minutes. She smiled and looked to find Rohan nowhere in sight.

She would get a little restless if he would be out of sight. He appeared from the other side and placed the chilled bottle of water on her hand. She looked at him and smiled, he said in a soft tone, “This is to remind you, that you need to drink more water.” Ananya once felt she understood him and at times also felt she understood nothing. His way of caring was different, it wasn’t obvious and shown, and it was felt……

The driver pulled the handle twice but couldn’t start it, Rohan moved towards it and pulled it once and it started. He hopped in next to her and placed his hand on the side not to find hers. He looked at her and she realized his need. She placed her hand on his and the rickshaw sped off.

There were no words spoken, only the warmth felt. It had become some sought of ritual of him dropping and picking her from the airport. Their work involved a lot of travel. The rickshaw entered terminal 1B and stopped at the departure gate. They both alighted and waited looking at each other. ‘Oh, I forgot to mention the flight is delayed Rohan.’ He looked at her with a broad smile, ‘Good, let’s go then.’ ‘Where, it’s not much, just 30 minutes.’ Ananya said in a puzzled tone. ‘Every minute can be cherished, Ani.” He held her hand and pulled her away from the gate, hopped on the rickshaw again and sped off. They halted outside the Centaur hotel, both got down, he not leaving her hand moved to the tea stall. ‘Do chai, patti tez, cheeni kum’ (two teas, strong with less sugar) he ordered. That was their standard drink, their poison if you can put it, especially if it is from a road side tea stall. Every sip was like a cherished moment together. He would finish his tea so quick and light his Davidoff till the time Ananya sipped her tea.

They reached the departure gate in time. Both looked in each other’s eyes and held hands. A hug was very occasional in public, it was left for the moments which Rohan defined as his dream, where each day he would get up seeing her face and end the day by latching the door with only her to be with. She held his hand tight, to feel the warmth and treasure it till they met again……

Her hands are still always cold, and she still feels the warmth of his hand when she closes her eyes.

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Complexities among shades of Grey!!!

To confess, my next blog was ‘The warmth of his hand’….but a discussion with a friend and her complex situation with her boyfriend turned the course of action towards this blog J
I did like to start with a disclaimer – this isn’t a second in series of male bashing articles but a different perspective rather my perspective to reading the dominant sex (by sheer number).

While all women across the world drooled over E. L. James depiction of young business magnate, Christian Grey and his 50 shades, I would like to draw your attention to the not so happening shades of a man.

I looked up Wikipedia and understand that the sex ratio for the entire world population is 101 males to 100 females. Then am sure the one man over the 100 is Christian Grey. So here is my reading of the not so happening traits among men that an average woman would abhor or in my perspective are beyond normal.

Men who laugh without a reason – don’t give me surprised looks, they exist and in our very own world. A friend brought this up, she was seeing this guy for some time and was just unable to understand the cause of his laughter without a reason on anything or without anything, she is sitting across a table, talking something she needs an opinion on and here goes the laughter. Am sure the thinking bandwagon would tick there on thoughts of course what was the laughter which breaks in every few seconds for? Worst still…..what’s the joke dude? The only oxymoron that fits well for such people is I got to fathom the depth of their shallow minds.

Men who go silent or are non-reactive – you talk to them one reaction silence, you convey your thoughts no response. Imagine a conversation where a woman is her chirpy self, excited to meet him after days, loads to share and there is only one reaction……you got that right no reaction J. On another note I do agree that most men are more visually-driven, they would be watching her rather than hearing her J

Men who are non-responsive – Well this could be coming from the known trait most men can’t express themselves. Don’t express, respond to situations, respond to people. I saw her in a fix and had to tell her don’t expect a response. I do sometimes feel being more direct might help, but it depends on what we ask for. A vaguely asked question might not be responded specially the “we need to talk!’ ones.

Given this I still feel that women can be more complex than men. Given the complexity, I am not among those who pose problems, I think there is a solution to every problem and some quick fixes may help.

Be direct – Avoid using hinting as a way to ask for what you want, be direct. These tactics make men feel manipulated and lost, that makes them angry.

Give time – Men have been trained to have all the answers and avoid showing their fear or uncertainty. Men prefer to talk only when they know the answer or solution, and will not like to talk much until then. They like to do their thinking process silently. So give time.

Give Way – there will be enough clues to understand if you can carry on or not. Get them right; don’t hang around the branch if it’s growing thorns. Understand and move on. You might be the next Adele and make it big after he is gone who knows J


Lastly to err is human be it us or them so never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about, rest time heals everything!!

I can’t end it without a nazm, so here it is…


गाँठ अगर लग जाये तोह फिर रिश्ते हों या डोरी 
लाख करे कोशिश खुलने में वक़्त तोह लगता है।

नए परिंदों को उड़ने में वक़्त तोह लगता है 
प्यार का पहला ख़त लिखने में वक़्त तोह लगता है। 

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Bridges of Madison County…….

It is said that opposites attract, for long they worked on projects together and had high regards. Ananya came across as a no non-sense, straight forward workaholic woman and Rohan reserved, quiet and reticent. One thing that they had in common was both were loners, both needed no companionship but the reason for this for each was different.

“why do you have to force this on me? I am ok the way I am” Ananya extremely disturbed stood in the most unobserved corner of the office building speaking to her mom. “I am not able to forget things that have happened, I would never be able to get over it, please let me be.” Walking towards the elevator she hung up, eyes red as she came face to face with Rohan. She kept her calm and tried to close the elevator door, Rohan gauging things well asked if all was well. Her tears brimmed over again as she started to speak, “I’m ok, thank you.” Rohan just at arms distance placed his hand on her shoulder and before he could ask again, Ananya turned and hugged him tight crying as she mentioned again and again that all was okay. Rohan did not stop her; he did not let the elevator door open and just went from ground level to seven and seven to ground several times. The only two thoughts that chased his mind were how could a strong woman like her crumble like this and second that he did not want anyone to witness the vulnerable woman in his arms. There was a sense of awkwardness of his current situation and for the moment after she would gather herself. She had held his arm and sleeve tight as she wept, no matter how strong the woman believes she is, there is a need for a hand that she can hold and get a sense of belongingness that makes her feel complete.

The elevator door finally opened with a thud on the fifth floor, she separated herself from him and without saying a word walked away. She was to go back to Chennai, she picked her bag and left in a jiffy. During the day Rohan visited Ananya’s desk and learnt she had left. He noticed she had in a hurry left a book on the desk, it read….Bridges of Madison County…….

Rohan carried the book home, “Francesca: Robert, please. You don’t understand, no-one does. When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children; in one way her life begins but in another way it stops. You build a life of details. You become a mother, a wife and you stop and stay steady so that your children can move. And when they leave they take your life of details with them. And then you’re expected move again only you don’t remember what moves you because no-one has asked in so long. Not even yourself. You never in your life think that love like this can happen to you.

Robert Kincaid: But now that you have it…   Francesca: I want to keep it forever. I want to love you the way I do now the rest of my life. Don’t you understand… we’ll lose it if we leave. I can’t make an entire life disappear to start a new one. All I can do is try to hold onto to both. Help me. Help me not lose loving you”

Rohan was not an avid reader but was up entire two nights to finish the book. It wasn’t a book, it was he reading Ananya. He thought hard on why she would be reading such a sad story. Every moment she sepent in the elevator crying flashed when he closed his eyes. Her fragrant hair, her body smelt of green apple and her quiet and somber demeanor, He smoked his Davidoff as he kept thinking of her, wondering or eagerly waiting the next time he would be face to face with her not realising he had fallen for her.

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Destiny was it………but they met!

“Let’s get going…or else we are going to be really late” said Rohan. He had finished his studies in Europe and had joined an Indian company purely due to his passion for electronics and secondly to be with his parents. “Why do we have to wait for so long, can she not come by herself?” he snapped with sheer restlessness. Gaurav looked at his watch and said…I have known her for 5 years and she is punctual, let’s wait for some more time, Delhi is not her city man.” Gaurav was known as a cool dude in the office, he was never seen serious and was known as a helpful soul.

Delhi had not seen this kind of rain since years. It was pouring since morning and hadn’t stopped except for an hour in the afternoon. “I don’t know why you had to tag her with us. It’s already 7.00 pm; I really don’t like waiting for ladies like that. If she doesn’t turn up in another 5 minutes, I’ll leave. We are invited by the client for the get together and I can’t be late there. India doesn’t really care for time leave aside women.” Before he could finish his sentence, an auto rickshaw(a three wheeler vehicle), stood at a distance from them. In the heavy showers visibility was bad but Gaurav tried to figure out if Ananya was here.  The auto stood there for 5 minutes and all Gaurav and Rohan could see was the auto driver turned behind talking to someone which seemed like a quarrel over money. After a while a blue umbrella popped from the auto and a woman in plain white chiffon chudidar (Indian ethnic wear) got down. All Rohan could see was the 6 inch heels, the white bottom, white and silver bangles in both the hands and a blue umbrella. 
The person started walking towards them managing her large bag and her dupatta getting wet from the rains. Gaurav stepped forward recognizing Ananya and swiftly moved towards her, ‘what took you so late? Anyways let’s get into the car and talk about it” Rohan just understanding that she had arrived had already started the car and was ready to go. They quickly got in, Gaurav in the front and Ananya sat behind, folded her umbrella and calmly asked, “It’s wet, where do I place it? Do you have a bag I can put it in?” Rohan was at his restless best and snapped again, leave it on the seat; I can’t waste time over a bag now.” And he started the engine and zoomed off. On the way he left no opportunity for Ananya to explain of her being late but gave all he could that it was Delhi, its notorious for its traffic, it’s the client who had thrown this party and another lecture on time management. It had been 4 months that Rohan had joined the company but had no opportunity to work with Ananya, for that matter didn’t know much about her.
The tires screeched and they reached the venue. Gaurav quickly got off and rushed in to tell his boss that they had arrived. Rohan got down too, opened the door for her and said please go in quickly ill park and come. As Ananya tried to get down, Rohan got the first glimpse of her. She looked in her early twenties, her bright face, droplets of rain on her brow, black eyes, wavy black hair, fuller lips and simple but perfect make up. Rohan was a keen observer but not the one to believe in love at first sight. She quickly got down and moved towards the hall. Ananya joined the company after her post-graduation when she was 23, had been with the company for five years now and was known as a dedicated and sincere colleague. She and her boss Madhukar had almost grown in the company together. Madhu never behaved as a boss to her, the entire office knew that the ladder to his success was his hardworking attitude.  
The party hall was not too big but very well decorated. Ananya loved white and yellow flowers and the hall was decorated with lilies. Madhu walked towards her to greet her. Ananya looked at him and remorsefully said “Sorry Madhu, I got late.” Madhu smiled at her and said “you are not late but on time, the client has just arrived and it’s your day Ananya, so cheer up! I have a small surprise for you.  Ill refill my wine and be back, would you like something?” Ananya nodded in negative. By that time the project team was all around her and Gaurav in an extremely dejected tone mentioned, “Man, I hate such get together, no beer dude, its classy it’s just wine…..” Ananya smiled   “chill we can have another party and that will be on me”
Rohan walked towards the group with his wine and said, “The wine is awesome, heavy bodied and not to dry, just the way I like it.” Gaurav rolled his eyes at that gesturing to say, you are more European and less Indian now.” The party was in full swing when the client signaled the music off and took over the mic, “ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to announce that the product has had a successful launch and would like to thank Madhukar and his team for toiling hard to make this happen. The team’s effort is well appreciated and would like to specially thank Ananya for leading the team to make this a success.” Madhu took over and started, Madhu was known to stick to the mic given an opportunity and the minute he took over, there was a hum in the group. “Mr. Shyam, it is our pleasure indeed to have been able to work with your esteemed company. In my career of last 15 years I have not seen a better run project than this. The team has left no stone unturned to make this happen. We look forward to our journey with you and this as a start. Last but surely not the least I would like to personally thank Ananya for leadership and contribution on this engagement.” Smiling at Ananya, he continued, “We have a small token of appreciation for Ananya for this project completion and a certificate of excellence as she has completed five successful years in the company.” Ananya confidently moved ahead, took the glass plaque certificate and said, “Thanks for the surprise, Madhu, when you score a goal, or hit a three, or get a touchdown, you don’t do it for yourself, you do it for the team because the name in the front of the shirt is more important than the one on the back. So this is for the team who never gave up. Thank you!”
The party was young and peppy, post dinner Ananya excused herself and left in the cab she had booked, Madhu waited chatting with the client; the team joked around and played games. Late in the night Gaurav left with Rohan in his car. The one thing he loved more than his life was his white Santro which he missed in Europe. On the way back Rohan asked, “I had no clue that Ananya was with the company for five years? That’s something isn’t it?” Gaurav messaging his girlfriend on the blackberry answered “dude, have heard that when Ananya joined there were only two members in the team, Madhu and her. They did the pre-sales, got the business, executed and closed. And look now we are almost 15 people.” They got the bucks to get this going. The rumor is also that the management wanted to merge the unit with Asia Pacific, but they didn’t let that happen.” After dropping Gaurav, on the way back Rohan thought Ananya would have felt bad the way I spoke to her, I should apologize. My short temperedness is going to destroy things someday.
Girl meets Boy….not really…..love at first sight…. definitely not……Would leave you with a nazm by Daag Dehlvi,
uzr  aane main bhi  hai aur bulate bhi nahin
baais-e-tark-e-mulaaqaat batate bhi nahin
[uzr = hesitate; bais = reason]
[tark-e-mulaaqaat = terminating acquaintanceship]
khub parda hai ke chilman se lage baithe hain
saaf chhupate bhi nahin saamane aate bhii nahin
ho chukaa qata ta’lluq to jafaayen kyon ho
jn ko matalab nahin rahataa vo sataate bhi nahin
zist se tang ho ai ‘Daag’ to jite kyon ho
jaan pyaari bhi nahin jaan se jaate bhi nahin