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The Last Conversation!

Friends, I have tried to bring Ananya to you in more ways than one in my posts. Ananya for me is a simple girl who desired for basic things in life, but the relations led to experiences as she grew from a girl to a woman. The present post is a continuation and final part, you can read part 1 Broken Shadows!

Hope you like the conclusive part as the first!

The train started taking with it the heaviness of emotions that choked both Ananya and Rohan. The mountains created by frozen tears had melted and all the sensations came back rushing to their paralysed heart.

She looked at him blank and he looked at her with a number of questions. Ananya somewhere knew that the questions were waiting for a cue of initiation but she wanted nothing, she had come to terms with not only the years that had passed but also the void it had created. Sometimes the change in oneself is socially worst for the world but best for self, that’s the change she had succumbed to.

Suddenly her dry throat paused the chain of thoughts, she looked at the bottle on the other side where Rohan sat, and it rolled as the train caught momentum. She rose to claim it but Rohan held it and handed it to Ananya.

“Ananya, you have been so quiet, you still have not been able to move on, have you?”

“Rohan, I never believed in words such as moving on, I never was one of those to think its just one life or life is too short, move one, and turn the page. I gave all I had to the relation and your going away froze some emotions in me. Now they come but only for those who value them and stand by me through sun and shade. And you know if I count those they would barely fill the fingers of my right hand.” Ananya tried to smile.

“But you stopped living?” Rohan’s questions had started.

“Don’t give yourself so much importance Rohan, nothing stops, it just changes the person we once were, the wisdom you gain out of a breakup replaces the innocence you once had. It just a transition and the transition is for good. It makes you wiser.” Ananya said with a straight face.

It truly feels good that a woman is till stuck to you even after its over, makes the man feel worthy and vice versa. But its just like fooling once self when the parachute fails to open in a sky dive and one thinks its just land we will fall on.

“And you know Rohan, now our lives are not ours, there are people involved who depend on every right or wrong we do. We had something years back but now is entomb, what is left is just a small flame and that will never be put off.” Ananya had sensed what was coming her way.

“I could never get over you Ananya, I had you but couldn’t get you and kept running, I haven’t stopped running even now.”

“Don’t Rohan, life is to live not run behind. You will run and realise one day that all you have in your hands is just handful of memories.”

“I so wish if this rain of sadness could erase the memories of my head.” He sighed.

“I understand.” Ananya came close and held his restless hand. “All memories come rushing to our mind and it becomes difficult to control the heart. But what can be done, our heart is like a lost horse who without any direction or any goal just keeps running. But life has its own principles, its rules and it keeps some challenges for us which we have to agree to without challenging it” She looked deep into Rohan’s eyes.

She left his hand and slouched back and sighed, “I now have no complaints with anyone.”

“With no one Ananya? I can’t believe that. There is no one in this world who does not have a grievance with anyone.”

“Who knows it better than you Rohan, you know when in life and with whom I had grievances.”

“I know Ananya, but sometimes we have to do it, whether we like it or not.”

“Yeah, I have learnt it. We are not as important as the lives that are dependent on us. We do it all for them. All the time we just feel that we are living our life, our desires, on our terms, but after walking a long way in life we realise we just did what others liked, we are too scared to lose them and so succumb to every wish and desire of theirs, in the transition we leave our desires and our flight much behind. All left with us are two words, That’s Life!” Ananya closed her eyes in deep thought.

“Then what should be done Ananya, what if we start living our life like the way we want?”

“Nothing Rohan, we will have to pay a huge price and even after that we may not get what we ever desired.”

“Ananya, have you achieved all that you desired?” Rohan asked in all genuiness.

“No, Rohan.”

“Then….”

“Then what Rohan, I am living in the jungle made by this society living other people’s lives. In my weakness I have lost the most valuable parts of my life.”

“Would you like to have those parts back and live them?” Rohan waited in anticipation.

Ananya looked at him in silence.

“Don’t answer Ananya as the hurt I gave you will never overcome anything. I remember your silence as I spoke the last words when we parted. Why didn’t you marry, you were lonely then.”

After a long pause Ananya wiping the brimming tear in the corner of her eye spoke, “Marriage is not an answer to loneliness Rohan. One should marry when there is a desire of being with the other for the entire life. But this is not real. In real we marry thinking being under one roof we will fall in love, but even that does not happen. But where we find love, we just find it, why it happened, we don’t know. If we can’t fall for someone, we just can’t, why we don’t love them even that is unknown. Then this love hits the tangles of society, breaks the chains of all rituals, all other relations are not heeded then…its love…pure and unconditional.

“I miss you Ananya in my life.”

“I already have you Rohan since the time I loved you, to make you mine was never my desire. But these handful of memories are good to carry me through life.”

She opened the window, bright sunshine filled the compartment. “I think the storm has passed.” Ananya could see her mother waiting for her waiving as the train slowed down.
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Beyond Mortal!

 



 
 
 
 
He asked her “Ananya, What are we?”

You are the Sun and I the Earth moving around you.
Your rage burns me but without you nothing blooms on me too.

He asked her “Where do we belong?”

We belong beyond time and this world,
When lovers like us are born, they cannot belong anywhere but to each other!

 
What is our path?
There is no path, no destiny, no end, and no start. It’s just a journey of two inseparable souls.
 
Where do we unite?
Unison in this world is temporary, we unite when I look at you, we unite when you touch me, and in all gestures of love we unite beyond mortals.
 
Would we stay?
She smiled, teary eyed, can the wave stop coming back to the shore?
Every time I search you, look for you and call you and every time you say, when did I ever go, my hand is still in yours Ananya…we stay!

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Broken Shadows!

 

She entered the dingy waiting room at the railway station. It was a small square room with three benches against the three walls and a door on the fourth. The stench complementing the dirt dropped around making it evident that it had not be used, frequented or seldom cleaned. She moved to the bench on the left of the room and tried to sit there, but she noticed the bench was not clean. She moved on the opposite bench, a small window faced the railway tracks; she placed the papers in her hands and the bag on the bench and wrapped her handkerchief on her hand and pushed the window out. After some struggle she could force the rusted hinges to budge. The rain showered just to confess the earth of its love. She kept staring at the downpour thinking it rained the same that night.  
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“How did you come here Ananya?”
“That doesn’t matter Rohan, the rains are not stronger than your voice on the phone that even though was calm screamed you would leave me.”
“You are drenched, don’t stand there, and come inside.”
“I have lots of questions Rohan, but don’t give me an answer. Just say it once that Reema is better than me. She has it all beauty, care, money and love that I don’t. Just say it, my heart will be lighter and life will be easier to live then.” There was no comparison of the speed of her tears to that of the downpour.
“It won’t be easier Ananya, it will be even difficult. The thought of living without you kills me in an instant.”
“Looking at your innocent face, I feel like believing in you again Rohan.” She added.
“What I am saying is true, but I also know that if you see the storm coming head on it makes sense to turn your boat and move away.” He added with a straight emotionless face.
“You have started talking a lot of sense Rohan. I just regret that why I did not get this sense before you did. Today please also tell me what if our paths ever cross in the future then….”
Before she could complete he said, “Then we will not promise each other to meet again Ananya.”
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Ananya just dropped herself on the bench, staring at the slow moving fan on the ceiling, lost in oblivion.
After a while a man entered hastily and sat on the adjacent bench trying to read the papers in his again and again. Ananya too lost in her thoughts did not notice any activity. He noticed her, dragged himself on the bench to get a closer view. The woman he saw looked tired, her hair were loosely tied in a bun which touched her nape. Her sky blue chiffon saree was worn perfect; her wedges were seen beneath the saree as she rested her feet forward. Her face looked like a tired bird that had migrated miles to reach home. Her hands showed she was used to working and not in any luxury.
“Ananya?”
She opened her eyes slowly and she straightened her head that rested on the bench. Moving forward she tried to recognise the frame of the man under the dim light bulb.
“Rohan, is that you?” her voice had matured, speaking out loud that she was a woman and not a girl in late twenties anymore.
“Yes, it’s me.” A restless voice responded, the breathing was loud and hard. A closer look at Rohan made her realise, his face was worn out and worried, his dark lips exposed that he was a chain smoker now. His feet constantly moving as he spoke.
 “How are you Rohan?” her voice calm as a still lake.
“How are you Ananya? 6 years have passed and we meet today.” He said unsurprisingly.
“What difference does it make in meeting today or not meeting the entire life?” She sighed.
“You haven’t changed a bit, Ananya.”
“What would we have got by both of us changing Rohan; only one among us changed sufficed. You changed was enough.”
“So you left him Ananya, you didn’t marry?”
“Gaddi lagne wali hai, chheti aao” (“the train is going to arrive, don’t be late.”) the station master announced and left in a jiffy.
“It’s already late.” Ananya murmured to herself and got up slowly moving towards the door, Rohan saw the papers on the bench left behind. He picked them and got up, the bulb hanging flashed on the papers and the only thing he could make out that they were legal papers which read ADOPTION.
“Ananya, these papers are yours, left behind.”
Ananya turned startled, “No, I have mine.” as she put her hand forth to show the papers. The light bulb flashed on the paper and it read, DIVORCE.
Rohan quietly took the papers from her hand and handed her papers back. This train journey was going to be really long.
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The Rise and Shine!

I wore the blazer again and again and looked at myself in the mirror. I would have tried all the combinations of 3 shirts and 2 trousers with the blazer my father had bought taking an advance loan. All the preparations were on for the day when the India’s Best Singer contest was to come to the Royal College in Gangapur, Rajasthan. I started singing at the age of 3 and all of the rest 20 years I only worshipped was my Guru – my Father, music and singing.

The D day arrived; there were not many participants as were observers. Half of Gangapur’s modest population of 25,000 came to watch the celebrity judges whom they had just seen on posters or on television. I braced myself and tried to sing a classical, the anxiety over came my performance. I was selected as a waiting list participant meaning if someone did not turn up, I would be called. Rest few days went as usual; my mom had packed the blazer and even spoken of selling it to a relative who was to get married soon. Father would day and night think of replaying the loan and I myself had taken up tuitions to help father repay the loan. The only good change the let-down brought in me was I doubled up my riyaz (practise) and started living music.

An unexpected call on 21st November 2010 to the c/o neighbour’s number changed my life. I never knew this call would take me to an unexpected turn in my life and what the future held!

“I am speaking from India’s Best Singer. We need you here in Mumbai, can you make it tomorrow?” An eager young voice shouted over the cacophony that surrounded her. I was dumbfound to answer anything, going to Mumbai meant more expenses upfront even if it was paid later by the company. I also knew it was my last chance to make it big. Leaving a note under my father’s pillow and some cash from a friend, I left for the Maximum City!

Reaching the quarterfinals was a breeze. I knew I was the heartthrob with my sweet chocolate boy demeanour. I got close to a fellow contestant, Rajshree. Before the finale, all participants were taken to their home town, but I refused. I was a top contender finalist competing with Rajshree and Asit a boy from Asam. The contest had a nail biting finish and along with the title I won 50 lakh cash and a singing contract with the channel. I was an overnight star, a sensation, I received calls from unknown people congratulating me on my success, I chatted with girls to increase popularity, gave interviews in leading newspapers and radio channels and was the star to every party I was invited. People just wanted me. The importance and the recognition I was gaining I knew the world was at my feet. I knew the way to be in limelight was through my rich young friends. I vaguely remember when at a star studded after award party, Rajshree wanted to sing and I in high spirits grabbed the mic, “I will sing, I am the star, this party is for winners! Give it to me.”  “Aaj jaane ki zid na karo ….” I fell to the ground and rest I read in the news papers, “Rags to Riches and now Young but Finished!”. However such things cannot dampen my spirits, media always tries to bring people down. “Alcoholism, loud music, parties and now drugs, is all you have with you now.” Rajshree never understood me, why do those people give a lecture on success … who have never seen success. I left her.

A year had passed; my first album had created record sales. My dates for the next one year were booked and my first solo stage show was over booked in Rajasthan. My mega posters were all over the city, with people piling around my car to get an autograph. I knew I was the best but anxiety hadn’t let me sleep for a week now in spite of the anti-depressants I took. I selected my leather jacket from the best of brands that wanted to sponsor me. Talent sells…is all I can say. I needed the energy and wanted to be on a high, I sniffed some more marijuana pumped up some protein shakes kissed Anji, my girlfriend passionately before hitting the stage. The crowd was going mad wanted to hear me, even a word was enough. I could barely see the crowd just a hazy layer of black heads! My first half of the performance had girls fainting, wanting to touch me, grab me! The second half, I called some girls on stage against the security orders and a small explosion in one of boom boxes led to a chaos. I was frisked away by security and after that I am blank even today as to what happened.

Next day’s newspaper made me pay the price of my success. Among the 18 people who died in the stampede, were a couple in their 70’s. I was called for recognition and the only thing I recognised on the mutilated body was the blazer the man was wearing. It took me no time to join the dots to my how being in Rajasthan. It’s been two years since the incident; I am convicted and lost the court case of the stampede episode proving me guilty of not adhering to security measures. My hired top lawyer proved me a hard core drug addict to avoid jail. I am in a rehabilitation making baskets and earning 100 rupees a day. Rajshree is a top play back singer now; she comes every week to meet me. Drugs took away my singing ability however I do hum songs when Rajshree is here.

It is quite rightly said, the people you meet when climbing up the steps of success … are the same you meet when climbing down!
This post is part of  A significant turn.. on WriteUpCafe.com<
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I Want You Tonight!

“It’s my land; I know you don’t get booze here! It’s banned in this state.” She confidently said it. “Ani, I don’t understand why you like yourself being proven wrong always.”

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed making a face.

“What do I get if I prove you wrong?” Rohan held Ananya’s face close to his looking into her eyes.

“Anything, as I know you will never get it here.” Ananya said kissing his hand.

“Are you sure, anything….you know it’s been a while and this time I would really be demanding.”

“Oh, I am confident, anything.”

“Cool, see you in a bit and wear the best you can, be ready….tonight is mine.”

“Sure, will wait and be ready to welcome your sad sulking face.”

He put on his sneakers and ran out. The hotel room closed with a thud behind him. Ananya had never seen him so happy and carefree.

Ananya painted her nails and went for a shower. She changed in a black short slip before sneaking into the bed under the comforter reading ‘Things beyond Forever’. After a while he opened the door and walked in.

She peeped over the book, “Welcome, Mr. Engineer and show me your face.” She looked at him closely, he was perspiring profusely, his white tee completely wet. Droplets of sweat trickled down his face as he seriously looked at her. “What?” she said aloud.

His lips broke into a smile as he revealed a bottle wrapped in brown paper. “oh, gosh…..nooooooo.” she hid her face behind the book.

He ran towards her, trying to sneak into the comforter. “No, please take a shower.” She pushed him. “You are right come.” He pulled her hand.

“No, I had one…” “And who said we can have just one.” And he pulled her in the bathroom. He filled two glasses with vodka and orange juice and placed them on the wash basin. Then she sat on the bath tub edge and he on the toilet seat, he pulled a Davidoff and smoked telling her how he managed the booze. She looked at him with sheer amazement sipping the vodka.

He then took a shower constantly talking to her on things that are different in “Her Land”.

“So, now that you have lost the bet, brace yourself honey.” He said pouring another drink.

She kissed leaving her red lipstick mark on his white tee, “Will this do?” “Are you kidding, the stakes are high honey.” He pulled a deck of cards.

They played poker, where she bet her clothes one after another and kept losing. They finished ¾ of the bottle, he was tipsy and she was high. He pushed her on the floor completely covering her body with his. His fingers circled the periphery of her lips as he looked in her eyes. He held her hand not leaving it for a moment.
 

She seduced him in her ways…caressing his weaknesses and switching the best of love and lust in him. She let him discover her in every way he desired. He engulfed her as she closed her eyes in anticipation of the epitome of this sensuous rendezvous. She gave up her defences as he fondled her supple body. Love reached its zenith and lust at pinnacle as his rawness thrust her. He longed for her fragrance as she for the sweetness of his sweat trickling down his brow onto her body. At one moment their passion was on fire giving in to the rhythmic divine oneness.

Their bodies ignited as they made zealous love before falling into each other’s arms in the wee hours. He was right, he was really demanding that night. They talked, laughed, whisper sweet nothings in between making love through the night. Rohan and Ananya were on a different high…they were high on life!
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The Unknown!

“So it’s been 23 episodes of season 2 of secrets of the past life, how do you feel right now Dr. Nita?”
” oh i feel on top of this world right now, the season has been a greater success than the first one, the producers are happy and we are already planning the third season.”

“And how do you plan to end this season?”

 “Well, the last episode is even special with my best friend’s son coming to find the answers to his phobia. He is a special child and viewers would really be wonder struck when he finds the reason of this phobia by travelling in his past.”

 “That sounds interesting; Dr.Nita is it true that you are moving back with your boyfriend you left 11 years ago? What was the reason of leaving him then and why together now?”

“No personal questions please!”
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“Hello and welcome viewers, I would like to thank you for the amazing response received for this season and tonight I would like to close this series with the most thrilling experience you will have in the history of television. With me I have a boy who is just 11 years old, the youngest participant we have and we will find answers for him together in a few hours. Please welcome Aditya Malhotra.”

The stage was a huge set with 50 people seated facing a podium which was lit in blue lights. There was a bed and a chair next to it. The crew, the camera and the crowd looked eagerly at the small door as the huge flash light focused on the gate. For 10 seconds there was no sight of the boy and then a frail looking image appeared at the gate. Aditya just stepped on the stage and crumpled on the ground, his body coiled shouting “no lights please, please shut the light off” the boy wouldn’t get up even after the crew reaching out. Nita walked to him finally and touched his shoulder and he responded to the touch and got up. Lights remained off and the boy got up and walked center stage in dim light. Cameras were rolling as Nita settled and ask the boy if he felt better.

“Dear viewers, meet Aditya. Aditya has a phobia for bright lights and prefers to be in the dark. He speaks less, is an introvert with few friends and likes listening to trance music as stated by Aditya mom.” then turning towards Aditya she said, “Well Aditya, here we have something in common, i too like trance music. So what exactly is your phobia and how do you feel?” In a feeble voice the boy spoke, “I don’t like bright light. I feel scared of light.” “Don’t worry boy, the reason for your fear will be known and it will be gone when you leave this stage.”

The process began, “Close your eyes Aditya and concentrate on my voice.” Aditya at once spoke “I have heard your voice before.”

The doctor smiled and “yes, I do have a common voice now don’t speak and concentrate on my voice.” “As i count from 10 to 1 your body is getting light, 10…9…8…you are feeling relaxed and are moving away from this real world around you, 7….6….5 all the energy is released from your body 4……3….and with count of 2….and 1….your energy is out of your body and you can see your body now….are you with me.” Nita spent around 40 minutes to get Aditya to the state she wanted. “Where are you Aditya now? Are you able to hear me?”

“Yes i am, but I don’t know where I am.”

“What do you see around? How do you feel?”

“I don’t see anything around…”

Nita looked puzzled, generally at this stage her subject spoke of their past life, what was wrong here? She thought. “OK how do you feel Aditya?”

I feel in a small room or an enclosed space.”

“Is anyone around?” “No, it’s just me.”

“And you see nothing?”

“No nothing.”

May be Aditya was blind in the past life, Nita tells herself. “And do you hear anything?”

“Yes, I hear a woman, someone I know for long….” he stops and speaks again “I hear her every day. I am with her always.”

“And who do you think she is” “She….she is….i think my mother.”

“Good and what does she talk to you?”

 “She tells me, I am beautiful….and she has bought very good clothes for me.” Aditya’s face showed excitement and a smile and his eyes were still shut. “She speaks to a man about me, he too talks to me but not every day.”

“Go on Aditya….What else does she talk to you?”

 “She says she cooks for me, she listens to music, she talks to her friends about me.”

“And….what happens next as days past…move on Aditya?”

“Next….” the look on Aditya’s face changes, “I hear a lot of loud voices….as if people are fighting.” “I feel scared, I don’t like it, I feel like running away.”

“What are the voices about?”

“I don’t know, I feel scared and keep feeling like that till the time I sleep.”

“What do you hear now?”

 “I hear people only fighting, I feel my mom hugging me, feeling me, crying…but I feel helpless.”

“What are your last memories?”

Aditya is wet with perspiration as he murmurs “My mom telling me, I love you Kino…..”

Nita felt choked as Aditya spoke those words, tears rolled off her eyes and she could not speak anything. The entire studio was high on emotions and there was absolute silence in the entire studio as Aditya lay trembling on the bed coiled completely like a baby.

Nita gathered herself and carried on the process, “Don’t worry, you now know the reasons of your deep fears and with time will be able to overcome them. With a countdown you will now gather your conscious self and move away from your past memories. 3…..2…..1…gather yourself Aditya and slowly open your eyes.” Adiya opened his eyes and sat on the bed. “How do you feel now?” “I feel light and freed from the enclosure.”

The episode ended on the highest note as Nita wrapped the show. She escorted Aditya towards the van outside where her mother waited. She felt uneasy and heavy, something she knew on the stage and camouflaged well….Aditya opened the door of the van and before getting in looked straight into Nita’s eyes, “It’s you…..I recognise the touch…I heard you voice….I heard Kino everyday…I heard your name too. It’s you…I just hid it well.” Nita left him and ran back to her car.




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Next day the local newspapers read, “Renowned hypnotherapist and socialite Dr. Nita Kishore moved in with his long rumoured actor boyfriend Siddhesh Singh. The couple patched up after 11 years after they decided to part ways over Nita aborting Siddhesh’s child to avoid ruining the upcoming actor’s career.” Aditya is now a normal child, guess he has overcome his fears and no longer thinks of them.

 
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Comedy is tragedy plus time!

I wanted to write a follow up on the last blogas it was in two parts, however a specific mail made me try my hand at something humorous. My rare try at it. On second thoughts the mailer was right with so much of tension and betrayal around one would want to come home and read something light. So here’s a shot at it, am too serious to take it up as a permanent theme but all I can say is ‘this time you got lucky!’

I got up as fresh as a daisy; I hadn’t felt so delicate before. It was an important day; a big day thus had slept early last night. I had to leave early and reach well in time not to miss the flight to Delhi. The time to reach the airport was far more than the inflight time! Irony of the ‘infrastructure development’ in my country!

I got dressed quickly and slipped into my favourite trousers. The minute I zipped it the button went flying and hit the floor. For more than a minute I just kept staring at the fallen button and cursed my luck at that. I didn’t have time to stitch it in time. I pulled an old one, the one that hung in my wardrobe in the set of clothes you buy without a reason and have been categorised as ‘untouchables’.

I slipped into it, well trust me it just sounds cool saying slipped. I had to struggle, pull it on both sides and wrestle hard to button it. I had a quick look at the mirror to see the most button popping, zipper ripping, and seam splitting trousers I had ever seen. I quickly gulped my juice, picked my bag and left after bowing quickly to the Tirupathi Balaji idol.

The juice starts working on me almost 20 minutes after I drink it. I felt the urge but stopped it, I wasn’t even half way and there was no way I could take a break. I sat still with all the weight I could put on my butt to stop it. At the same time was scared to put pressure that the seams of the trouser fall apart. Signal after signal was testing my patience. I pulled open my purse to check if I had taken my tickets, yes I had neatly tucked it in my passport. Well somethings are in order I thought to myself when I realised I had forgotten my phone at home. ‘Gosh! Common….I looked at the Ganesh idol on the cab dashboard and the dangling Hanuman holding a mountain over the mirror.’ I just couldn’t believe this was happening. The only thing I could afford was make a sick face and look at God.

By the time we reached the airport, my kidneys along with intestines were on the verge of bursting. Pressing my legs hard together I got down. Got my bags off and started to walk. ‘Edhu kamiya iruku!’ shouted the cab driver. I looked startled at him and first looked all over myself to see if my trousers were in place. ‘What?’ I retorted. ‘edu pathadu?’ he went again. ‘Dude I am in no mood for language translation.’ I actually said it. He went even louder in the south Indian language and even more animated. I realised through his gestures what he hinted at. I trusted the note in his hand and walked off thinking why don’t people understand emergencies.

I was late for the flight, no matter how much I try…it always happens to me. I looked at the snakelike queue for collecting the boarding pass and an equally long queue for security check-in. ‘Today is not my day!’ I looked at the Sai baba keychain hanging on the guy’s bag ahead of me – thinking why me? ‘Any Delhi passengers in the queue please come forward.’ I heard an angel’s voice.

Now I could bypass the queue and go to the rest room after security check, I wondered. I collected my boarding pass in a jiffy and walked to the security check, I walked straight nudging people and ignoring the horrendous stares I was getting. I pushed myself, removed my laptop placed it in the tray and walked to get checked, my eyes glued to the restroom. The boarding pass got stamped and while handing it over, she dropped it. I gave her the look that I would kill her for this sin. If I bend the seams fall apart and I didn’t want to challenge my bursting kidneys. She picked it up and said sorry. Not all is bad…I looked at the Durga ma pendant she was wearing under her shirt.

I collected my bag and rushed to the toilet and sat on the seat….’Ah….what a relief! This is heavenly, on second thoughts it isn’t!’ I sat feeling relieved looking at the mosaic flooring. I looked at the watch and then pulled the toilet paper. A small piece of paper came to my hand and the empty roll rolled on the stand mocking at me. I looked around but couldn’t find anything. This was not happening. I reached out for my bag and looked in for tissues, there weren’t any. I got up and quietly opened the door; I could see the stack of paper just across the door. I will quickly go grab the roll and get in again, I thought to myself. I sneaked out with my trousers half rolled down and rushed to the roll. I grabbed it and turned to see a long queue of women of all age, shape and sizes looking baffled at me. I didn’t bother much and rushed in. I could hear the laughter, the giggles, the lol’s and rofl’s of the world. Not looking eye in eye, embarrassed from head to toe, I washed my hands and rushed out as if no one around me existed. My name had been announced twice, the next thing I remember was the flight attendant telling me to fasten my belt as we were going to touch down. I slept like a log and was now hungry like a dog…sorry bitch, the rhyme sounded better.

Now no more, I was in time for the meeting and nothing could go wrong now. I sat there looking at the plush office and the pretty paintings hanging all over. That’s a new investment trend! The plump receptionist looked at me and pointed towards the cabin. After the pleasantries the client said lets have the presentation. I braced myself and confidently picked up my strolley, I opened it to get my laptop out. My eyes popped out not to find anything in the bag. How could it be, I had packed it after reviewing the slides last night. My palms got sweaty, body went cold and I could see stars in front of my eyes. I should be given a premium membership and a platinum award at http://www.fmylife.com/. I looked at my client and I could see his face getting elongated and his voice distorted and distant. I came to reality when he shook me, ‘huh!’.  He placed his phone on the table and I looked at the Sri Ram wallpaper and just nodded in dejection. Just in time I remembered emailing him a copy last night. It saved my day!

 The next thing I remember was me in bed, just opened my eyes, staring at the ceiling wondering was it real or a surreal dream. Well who cares as I got up feeling fresh as a daisy; it was an important and big day!

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A trip to the dark and empty skies!

The phone rang endlessly the 20th time but he didn’t pick up. With every ring tear ran across Ani’s cheek though she dreadfully tried not to cry. She wiped her cheeks and tried again, for a nanosecond she thought he picked but then she heard “the number you are trying is currently switched off.” She burst out a huge cry as she couldn’t contain the pain within anymore. She had tried more than 100 times to call Rohan but either he wouldn’t pick or switch his phone off. It was 3rd May, Rohan’s birthday and she had in the last three years been the first one to wish him. 
Dejectedly Ani left home to go to office. It had been 2 weeks she had not been to office, most of the time she kept herself locked indoors alone or lay in bed.  She didn’t want to wake up. she was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. she woke up each day into a nightmare.
She feared that the person who the office colleagues looked up to as a strong self-made manager was now nothing much a broken image of 1000 pieces. All through the commute she was constantly in tears. Her phone rang twice, her mother would call every hour to be a moral support and secondly there was a constant fear that she had that Ani would try to end her life again like the way she tried to do when she was in Mumbai. That’s the heart of a mother tender, soft and once she knows her children are worried about something that becomes her worry and she is not at peace even for a moment. Ani who would talk to her mom 5 times a day had started avoiding her call and would speak to her at those moments when her tears would dry up for some moments. She would feel miserable that she was giving pain to her mom whom she loved a lot. She constantly thought what right did she have to put her parents through pain. A relationship that held her hand from birth  for a relationship that she had chosen and that person instead chose to give her pain. 
Ani gazed outside the window looking at the service station that passed by where she always waited for Rohan. The bus stopped at the signal and she notice a couple cuddling in the auto rickshaw and

a smile broke on her face thinking how Rohan hated public display of affection what he mockingly called as PDA. Memories of her past flashed in front of her eyes when the bus passed through places where Rohan had dropped her only to take the auto from the other side to go back home.  The smile soon receded when she realized the reality and the sore past few months.

Ani reached office and was greeted by sweet Sandra at the front desk, ‘hey Ananya, what’s up lady, where have you been? We missed your charm girl.” She delightedly said and attended the phone that rang immediately.  Ani avoiding any direct contact hurried to her desk when the office boy Sumil ran towards Ananya, ‘Madam, I have made tea myself today with ginger, the way you like it, would you have a cup?’ Ani couldn’t contain her emotions and started weeping silently. That’s what depression does to you, it doesn’t allow you to embrace the love you have around you but tries to find happiness only in one thing that one longs for at that time.
She sat at her seat trying to wipe her face with a tissue when Rashmi came at her desk “Ananya, are you ok? You look pale, where were you all these days?” and she kept her hand on Ananya’s shoulder, that was the trigger when Ananya looked at her eye in eye and said, ‘I don’t want my picture taken because I was going to cry. I don’t know why I am going to cry, but I know that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I’d cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full. I don’t want to live anymore Rashmi.” 
Rashmi had been Ananya’s close friend and Ananya had stood by her all through the tough divorce a couple of years ago. Rashmi looked at Ananya, it was clear she hadn’t eaten or slept well for days. Her big eyes were red and swollen and her nose and cheeks bruised. Rashmi gave Ani a tight hug and said, this is not you Ananya, certainly not you.
Rashmi was a divorcee and a mother of twin daughters. A rare combination of being independent as life gets tough for a woman who is divorced and sensitive as daughters are the best gift to any parent and she was gifted with two. Rashmi came from a small town in Gujarat, was married at the age of 20 had two daughters at the age of 24 and was divorced by 26. She had thought her life had finished when Ananya met her through a common friend and got her a job in her company. Life wasn’t an end but start for Rashmi at 26.
Rashmi held Ananya’s hand and moved out of the office. They went to the Windsor, a hotel opposite their office. She guided her to the coffee shop of the four star hotel. They sat on the sofa as she kept looking at Ananya who’s tears had not stopped. “What would you like to have mam?” asked the waiter in a sophisticated tone. “One black coffee and a box full of tissues please.” retorted Rashmi in a confident voice.  He got the tissue box which Rashmi held in front of Ananya and started speaking, “if you think I’m going to give you gyan on how to be happy you are wrong.
Firstly take as many tissues as you want and cry as much as you like here. Just shed those tears, feel bad rather miserable and cry. I will not say it’s a phase and it will pass. It has happened and come over you and it will take its own time or even longer to fade.” Ananya kept listening and took the tissues as she wiped her tears. Rashmi continued “Ananya it’s not going to be easy you know that, depression can kill people, it’s like that monster who wants to challenge you to win against them, it is on you to let the monster win or defeat it. But remember if you let the monster win you along with your family and close friends will lose. When you’re lost in a jungle, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve just wandered off the path, that you’ll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it’s time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises anymore. You know Ananya, I have learnt one thing of what happened in my life that do not give so much importance to anyone that you lose your own identity. Be emotional to the extent required, don’t make anyone feel that you will be affected if they are not around. Do not keep your feelings like a garden where anyone can walkover keep it like the sky where people wish to be but cannot reach.” Ananya’s tears had stopped as she attentively listened to Rashmi. Rashmi kept her hand on Ananya’s face and said, ‘cry as much as you want, feel normal about yourself, nothing has gone so wrong that cannot be undone. You are the person I look up to in life, don’t give up Ananya. My daughter always wants to be like you, that’s what you are a pride of your parents, idol to my daughters and  my strength. Once we leave this place you will not shed a tear. Get that?” Rashmi pampered Ananya as they rose and hugged her. Ananya had stopped crying by then, Rashmi’s words and care had given her the strength to look forward in life. Ananya had gained more respect for Rashmi for the reason that she had not asked her even a word on the reason of why she was in this state and her emotions were so pure that she just wanted Ananya out of the situation she was in. Very rare are people who genuinely want to know how are you rather than the gossip surrounding it. Ananya did give a thought that if Rohan really cared would never had avoided her calls like that when he knew she was suffering from depression and had seen doctor’s prescriptions as well.

That night Ananya went home and called her best friend Nisha, “Hello Nisha!” Ananya said in a soft voice. ‘Ani? What’s wrong?” that was the magic between them, words were not needed to define each other’s state. “Nothing Nish, may I speak with you” Ananya said lacking confidence. “Why are you talking like this Ani, please tell me what’s the matter? Is everything ok?” Nisha said impatiently. “Nish, I’m scared that if I tell you something what will you think of me as a person and I will lose you as a friend forever.” Ananya said skeptically. “Listen Ani, if you tell me something and I get judgmental about you, then what kind of a friend I am? Nothing on this earth that you tell me can ever end our friendship ok. Now please tell me what’s bothering you.” Ananya spoke her heart out to Nisha, she told her that she was in a relationship with Rohan that wouldn’t be acceptable by the Indian society ever and it had been 3 years but she was not comfortable speaking about it to her. And finally why Rohan had stopped talking to her. After her talk for half an hour nonstop, she kept quiet and waited for Nishas response. Nisha was her friend since childhood and nothing was hidden from her. Ananya was expecting Nish to get angry and bang the phone. “Ani, you are such a sweetheart and I am the luckiest to be your friend. I don’t see any wrong in what you did. If I were in your place, I too would have fallen for someone. Firstly, get rid of the guilt and secondly, be strong. You can’t break over someone not speaking to you. I am sure he would have been one hell of a guy to swipe you off your feet, but at the same time unlucky enough to have lost you. So chill babes. I’ll come to your city soon and we will have fun.” Ananya after days had a smile on her face, ‘Nish, love you babes.” They spoke on various topics of the good old times, Nish’s boyfriends, mothers, travelling, dreams and lots more till wee hours of the morning. A sign that Ananya was turning towards normalcy, a sign that the strong woman was

about to return. 
Sincere apologies to have stayed away from the blog for so long, I traveled to the showbiz cities of Nice and Monaco and the then to the most romantic city of the world Venice. It was lovely to sit by the sit with coffee and a novel.
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Beetein Lamhe, Nostalgia!

The Window shut with a thud, Ananya seated on the arm chair opened her eyes startled by the noise. She realized she had fallen asleep with the book in her hand, Jagjit Singh’s ‘tere khushboo main base khat main jalata kaise’ still softly playing in the background. She got up to open the window when Rohan’s picture fell from the book. She picked it up, opened the window and got back to the chair. She adjusted the blue satin gown as she placed her feet on the table and drew the shawl closer around her. Rohan’s picture was the one he has sent before leaving for Iran on a business trip last year. She had a closer look at the picture and a smile broke on her face seeing his baby like eyes behind the glasses. He preferred to wear a white tee with checked shirt and denim. Smile was rare but with Ananya around it never receded. He dressed simple but classy; he was more European than Indian when it came to dressing. It was less than 24 hours before she could see her love face to face, Ananya cuddled in her chair went to sleep thinking of the moments spent together.

For Rohan being behind the wheel with Ananya by his side was no less than heaven. He couldn’t contain his happiness; he did not want to leave Ananya’s hand even while driving. He would softly hold her hand and place it on his thigh managing to drive with one hand. “Rohan please will you tell me where are we headed, you have just been smiling and hiding it from me and will you please leave my hand I got to show you all my lipstick shades” Ananya said in a chirpy tone. Rohan kissed her hand “Yes wifey as you please, we are today going to fulfill all the promises I made to you sweetie.” Adjectives for Rohan were rare but if he would be really happy he would address her with wifey, jaana, honey, sweetie…it was just endless. They talked all about Iran as Ananya tested her lip stick shades on Rohan’s hand and got a nod on each being good or bad. Rohan parked his car outside Delhi Haat. Ananya gave a puzzled look. Rohan then said that they were there to shop for all that he has promised her. Ananya remembered the conversation when Rohan had got his first salary and said ‘Ani, this I got to give to dad but I promise I will buy you each piece of Indian accessory you desire and winked and continued saying ‘the more you wear the more pleasurable it will be for me to get you off it.”
Ani’s demands were small but very close to her heart. She quickly hopped off the car and they entered the market hand in hand. He would wait outside the shop patiently looking at Ani choosing earrings, payal and bangles. She tried the green bangles and peeped outside the shop at Rohan who was smoking his cig, she held the bangles on her fingers and gestured if he liked them. He smiled and that said it all. She got all of it packed and removed Rohan’s wallet to pay, the shopkeeper gave it weird reaction looking at the gents’ wallet come out of Ani’s big hand bag. She gauged what was happening and in a manly tone asked how much…and then burst out laughing as she settled the bill. That day Rohan drove for 8 hours around Delhi to shop, he also took her to Palam Vihar to show the apartment he was looking forward to buy and promised Ani to get her out of the complexity she was in; the dreams in their eyes were larger than life and as some put it quite unrealistic.
A cold hand on Ananya’s forehead got her back to the real world; in the past three months since Rohan had stopped speaking Ananya’s life too had stopped.  Ananya’s mom had realized where her daughter’s happiness was but that wasn’t of much help. She approved of Rohan but the circumstances never allowed them to be together. She had done all to move on, counseling sessions and medication too had not helped. Ani’s mom sat next to her and kissed her forehead, ‘did you sleep well Ani…” the background nazm played, ‘dafn kar do ham eke saans mile, nabz kuch der se thami si hai…aaj phir aapki kami si hai.’
 
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Relationships and more……..

Revati tried hard to find the key hole but the number of drinks she had that evening were impairing her vision. After some struggle she managed to open the door of her 5000 sq. feet duplex apartment at Malabar hill. The motion sensors detected she was around and lights flashed as she looked around the lavish living room, all things in order and at the right place. The 16 seater pure leather imported sofa and the huge crystal chandelier were as lifeless as the Guido Daniele painting of the woman posed on a bench overlooking Slizza river in Italy. She flung her Louis Vuitton bag on the sofa and balanced her way leaving her stilettos on the way towards the bed room.
Revati was a socialite wife of Raghu, V. N. Raghupati CEO of Assureinvest a venture capitalist firm. A simple but sharp soul, Raghu was complete opposite of his spouse. Punctual and a man of few words he had strong family values. Their marriage happiness of 8 years was inversely proportional to Raghu’s bank balance. This was the very reason Raghu preferred to spend more time at work than return to an empty house.
Raghu at work was a no non-sense person and appreciated intelligence over hard work. His new hire Deepshikha was just the dependable resource Raghu was looking for. She had to be told little and she understood her work well. Assureinvest was Deepshi’s third job in a career of 6 years. She understood the pulse of the job market well and knew when to switch to get paid better. Her sole motive was a higher figure on the salary slip and with her diligence she knew how to get that. Deepshi and Gaurav met at business school and lost their hearts to each other. Gaurav loved Deepshi’s sharpness and Deepshi purely fell for Gaurav’s looks and his Salsa moves. Both tied the knot against parent’s wishes and moved to a 3 bedroom flat at Goregoan. An Emi of 70,000 and a car loan made Deepshi change her job often and Gaurav take up salsa classes after work. Gaurav’s clientele were crème de la crème of Mumbai most of them socialites including Revati. Gaurav and Deepshi’s 6 years of marriage became a transactional relationship of money transfers to bank accounts and sticky notes on the refrigerator the only way of communication between them.  Sometimes the messages were communicated by Seema their maid who kept a set of house key to complete the house hold chores without disturbing Gaurav who would return home past midnight.
Seema was with Deepshi since her marriage, she was trustworthy but in a painful relation with Govind. Govind was Seema’s husband’s friend and moved with her as a support after her husband died leaving two children behind. Govind turned alcoholic and would rob Seema of all the money she earned.  He had just landed an office boy’s job when Deepshi referred him to Raghu in order to reduce Seema burden.
It was the evening of 16th March 2012 when Deepshi was preparing for the quarterly audit with Govind moving busily out of Raghu’s cabin taking signatures on relevant papers. It was around mid-night when Deepshi entered Raghu’s cabin, he was sitting on the wide parapet of the office his back facing an open window, his legs rested on an Osim massager chair with a glass of Glenlivet in his hand. Deepshi reluctant turned to leave when Raghu asked her to sit. She noticed the generally dressed in a suit Raghu today in a shirt crumpled around the waist as if it was pulled hard. His eyes were red, this was the first time she noticed the handsome man that Raghu was. His ruffled hair, slight grey side locks, his strong arms showed under his sleeves rolled till the elbow. Feeling uncomfortable with the silence she rose once again to leave when the wheels of the chair which Raghu rested his feet on moved and he lost his balance. Deepshi ran towards him and pulled his hand to stop him from falling off the window. He fell on her triggering the dearth of physical touch he had faced in the past years. He hugged her tight; Deepshi did not resist and gave in to his dominance.
Seema rushed to the hospital as her son had fallen off stairs and needed to be admitted. Not knowing where to go she reached Deepshi’s apartment to ask for money. She opened the flat with the set of keys she had and rushed in. Her pace slowed as she saw the stilettoes lying on the floor, as she moved further she saw a Burberry evening gown flung on the ground, she understood that wasn’t Deepshi’s.  She could hear giggles and whispers from the bed room. Not knowing what to do, she decided to leave when she glanced on the open bag on the dinning. She could see a bundle of notes, she tip toed and grabbed the money and moved out to save her son.
Flash forward….October 2013, Deepshi changed the music to classical as Raghu started his Audi Q5. He grabbed Deepshi’s hand and kissed it before buckling his seat belt. They reached the apartment; she waited in the car as Raghu went to Revati’s 16th floor apartment to deliver the signed divorce papers. He was about to ring the bell when he heard Gaurav and Revati arguing over something. He chose to leave the papers at the door. On the way back they dropped in at Seema’s to deliver the Diwali bonus. Now the 5000 sq. feet house name plate reads Deepshi and Raghu’s. May be now it’s not just a house, its home!
Will leave you with one of my favorite songs…
रिश्ते तोह नहीं रिश्तों की पर्छैयाँ मिले 
यह कैसी भीड़ है बस यहाँ तन्हाईयाँ मिले।
इक छत के तले अजनबी हो जाते हैं रिश्ते 
बिस्तर पे चादरों से चुप हो जातें है रिश्ते।
ढूंढे से भी इनमें नहीं गर्मियाँ मिले।
यह कैसी भीड़ है बस यहाँ तन्हाईयाँ मिले।
जिसको भी देखिये वो अधूरासा है यहाँ 
जैसे कहीं हो और वो आधा रखा हुआ।
हो जब जहाँ जुड़े वही जुदाइयाँ मिले 
यह कैसी भीड़ है बस यहाँ तन्हाईयाँ मिले।